abandoned to Christ.

What a year 2020 had been.

A year that seemed to be far worse than any that came before it.

And with high hopes built on resolutions we made, we were sure we could command and control the ushering in of a new year full of butterflies and rainbows—founded in self-reliance, ambiguity and redefining of all things by what “feels most right” for each person…at the moment.

There is no longer any absolutes of right or wrong, truth or error. We no longer recognize the weaknesses of different races, or celebrate the strengths we each have to offer. We are all Stepford Wives who look the same, have all the same skill sets, and can all do the same things with the same results, as long as we ourselves have decided it to be so.

Yes, unfortunately, it seems our yearning for the disaster and heartaches of 2020 to end once 2021 began, have all been doused with new leaders and new laws and a new social norms hurling us further down the miry pit of mass confusion.

It’s the futility of man attempting to rebuild the tower of Babel, in order to be our own gods—the master of our own souls and destinies.

There is truly nothing new under the sun (Ecc 1:9-11).

It seems that what we’ve endured these past 13 month is something far graver than all the years that came before. But in reality, it is not much different from previous years that have passed. Some of these turbulent years are as recent as a few decades ago (The Great Depression, 1929-1939; World War II, 1939; Pearl Harbor, 1941). Others happened hundreds of years ago (Bubonic Plague/Black Death, early-mid 1300s); with the greatest of them occurred 2,000 years ago—the inexplicably humble condescension of the Second Person of the Triune God—entering His own creation as a helpless babe—Christ the Lord. The only one, who at birth, was already the King of kings and the Lord of lords. He alone is the Ancient of Days. He alone is Eternal Life.

With the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, our country’s civil unrest due to various people groups vying for supremacy, veiled as equality and unity (though it is the truest form of racial separatism and universal bigotry), and the results of the Presidential election; many have abandoned reason and rationale for obtuseness and oblivion of all that is good.

None of this sounds very promising does it? It all sounds rather daunting, doesn’t it? And it may well be for the majority, but not for the few of us who are in Christ Jesus. Why is it different for us? Because we are only passing by—this world is not our Home. It is our temporary mission field, where we are commanded by our Master and Lord, to carry on His work of proclaiming the Gospel of God’s grace to all men, in all places, and at all times as the Holy Spirit leads and works through us (Acts 20:24).

The purpose of every Christian is the same.

We are all commanded to expend and exhaust our God-given spiritual gifts, talents, resources, and position(s) of influence, to exalt the name of Jesus Christ and urge all people to repent and believe the Gospel (Rom 1:16-17).

This is why true Christians, true disciples of Christ, truly converted children of the Most High God are concerned about the going ons of the world around us, but we are not crushed by the daily news that surrounds us.

Understanding the present, through the past, for the future.

“Why then has this people turned away

in perpetual backsliding?

They hold fast to deceit;

they refuse to return.

I have paid attention and listened,

but they have not spoken rightly;

no man relents of his evil,

saying, ‘What have I done?’

Everyone turns to his own course,

like a horse plunging headlong into battle.

Even the stork in the heavens

knows her times,

and the turtledove, swallow, and crane

keep the time of their coming,

but my people know not

the rules of the LORD.

“Thus says the LORD:

“Learn not the way of nations,

nor be dismayed at the signs of the heavens

because the nations are dismayed at them

for the customs of the peoples are vanity.

“There is none like you, O LORD;

you are great, and your name is great in might.

Who would not fear you, O King of the nations?

For this is your due;

for among all the wise ones of the nations

and in all their kingdoms

there is none like you.

They are both stupid and foolish;

“But the LORD is the true God;

he is the living God and the everlasting King.

At his wrath the earth quakes,

and the nations cannot endure his indignation.”

~Jeremiah 8:5-7; 10:2-3a, 6-8a, 10

Freedom in God’s sovereignty, mercy, and grace.

As God’s holy and beloved children, we prudently perceive our current president, his cabinet, and all other leaders who have proudly proclaimed their allegiance to the building up of sinful desires of the flesh (1 Jn 2:16-17), just as our Father has commanded His children in times past.

We know that nothing is done without God’s active working or passive allowance, for the ultimate good (Christ likeness) for those He loves and has called according to His purpose (Rom 8:28-30, Titus 2:11-14).

“It is I [the LORD] who by my great power and my outstretched arm have made the earth, with the men and animals that are on the earth, and I give it to whomever it seems right to me. Now I have given all these lands into the hand of Nebuchadnezzar, the king of Babylon, my servant, and I have given him also the beasts of the field to serve him…if any nation of kingdom will not serve this Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, and put his neck under the yoke of the king of Babylon, I will punish that nation with the sword, with famine, and with pestilence, declares the LORD, until I have consumed it by his hand.

“[S]eek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the LORD on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.”

~Jeremiah 27:5-6, 8; 29:7

How to bless God’s providence.

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience.”

~Romans 13:1-5

A dangerous yet well-received and popularly-taught practice within Christianity is, "It's okay to be angry with God. He can handle it."

This is not biblical (Ecc 5:1-3; Job 32:2-3, 34:9-10, 40:1-2; Rom 9:19-20).

This is megalomaniacal blasphemy.

It is not a matter of whether or not God can "handle" our anger against Him. What an utterly foolish assessment. It is a matter of whether or not God Almighty, the LORD of hosts, will tolerate such arrogant "Jesus is my pal", disrespectful attitude before His most holy presence.

As William Gurnall once said,

(1.) Faith spies mercy in the greatest affliction—an eye of white in the saddest mixture of providence; so that when the devil provokes to blasphemy from the evil that the creature receives from God, faith shows more good received than evil.
Thus Job quenched this dart which Satan shot at him from his wife’s tongue. ‘Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall not we receive evil?’ Shall a few present troubles be a grave to bury the remembrance of all my past and present mercies? ‘Thou speakest as one of the foolish women.’ What God takes from me is less than I owe him, but what he leaves me is more than he owes me. Solomon bids us, ‘In the day of adversity consider,’ Ec. vii.14. Our unbeseeming thoughts and words of God are the product of a rash hasty spirit. Now faith is a considering grace; ‘He that believeth will not make haste—no not to think or speak of God. Faith hath a good memory, and can tell the Christian many stories of ancient mercies; and when his present meal falls short, it can entertain the soul with a cold dish, and not complain that God keeps a bad house neither. (The Christian in Complete Armour, vol. ii, dir. iii, part ii, div iii, First Design 3.1)

I do not count this against the unbelieving. For what do they know or proclaim to know about God? Of course they will blaspheme. They are enslaved to all sin. And therefore, I have great pity on them and great compassion for them. I pray that God will forgive them and in His great mercy, just as He has granted such a vile woman as me, that He would also grant them the gift of repentance that leads to saving faith in Jesus Christ.

However, I do admonish and strongly urge all who profess the name of the LORD, yet teach and promote this ungodly practice—to repent. Repent of teaching and encouraging others that man’s angry complaints against God is the truest and humblest form of transparent Christianity (being like Christ). It is not. For Christ was never angry against His God and Father. And anyone who supposes to do anything that Christ Himself did not do or teach, is a person who is warped and should repent of their foolishness, rather than falsely teach and mislead others in what most pleases, honors, and glorifies God.

All who teach, should teach with fear and trembling, rather than with arrogance and delusions of grandeur (megalomania).

Heed these words from our LORD:

You who boast in the law dishonor God by breaking the law. For, as it is written, “The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.” (Rom 2:23-24)

Where I’ve Been

In January 2020 I had my third heart surgery. Then I had serious issues with my eyes caused by my atrial fibrillation. While that was creating more appointments to my retina specialist, both my knees and my right elbow continued to worsen.

Since the last time I wrote (April 2020), I’ve had three surgeries within three months. I had my second surgery on my right knee in July, a major elbow surgery in September, and a minor surgery to remove and biopsy a small lump on the inside of my right cheek. All this has been quite daunting and depressing.

To add to my already (as one of my specialist put it) “eventful medical record”, I was also having severe pain in my index finger on my left hand. However, I didn’t mention it to anyone because there was already so much going on, that I could tell that I was overwhelming my doctors. And because I had already asked my Father, if it would please Him, to resolve this ailment without the use of medical intervention, I waited patiently, while seeking fervently for His answer.

During about four months of waiting, I suffered silently in prayer, but not alone in prayer. For my Lord Jesus is always with me and ever intercedes for me.

After several months had passed, all my fingers on my left hand and my right hand began to feel as if someone was crushing each one of them, while simultaneously setting them on fire. Also, some of my fingers began to turn blue. So when I was two weeks post-op from my elbow surgery, I shared my excruciating pain with my darling husband, and made an appointment with my dermatologist. She diagnosed me with secondary Raynaud’s phenomenon, that is being caused by another connective tissue disease. She then referred me to a rheumatologist who will examine, run tests, and treat both my Raynaud’s and whatever connective tissue disease is causing it.

For the time being, I’ve been prescribed diltiazem for systemic treatment and relief, as well as a nitroglycerin cream to provide my fingers some immediate relief. I was also told to wear gloves at all times (even while asleep), and to keep from touching anything cold with my bare hands.

Now that the weather here in Texas has cooled off, no one stares at me for wearing gloves everywhere. At first, many people stared and some asked if it was really that cold outside, or if I was taking extra COVID precautions.

I was quite the site up until a couple of weeks ago. Not only did I wear gloves at all times, but I also had a full leg brace on my left leg, a brace and compression sleeve on my right leg, a full arm (from shoulder to wrist) cast on my right arm (then eventually a full arm, telescopic brace), and a sleeve on my left arm. Yes, I got stared at quite a bit. But not by anyone for parking in the handicapped spot. Hmm…I wonder why? (I’m giggling as I write this part.)

Where I’m Headed

Therefore, in order to make the best use of my time with every new ailment and every new specialist (Eph 5:16-17), I’ve been repenting more, so that I may walk humbly with my Lord; neither foolishly running ahead of Him, nor idly walking behind Him (Js 4:17). It’s important to me to repent first of my past encounters I have had with others during my sufferings, that I may not repeat the same sins—sins of trying to be more cheerful or concerned, or apathetic, or…whatever I think might best demonstrate the power of Christ in me; rather than praying Ephesians 4:29 (trusting that God alone knows what the best demonstration of His power is for each person).

I’m grateful to my Father for granting me the freedom in Christ to be able to repent daily. I love being set free to repent because it’s always such a delightful and refreshing time with my Father. Just like a good cry helps the weight of burdens flee, repenting to the LORD and whomever I’ve sinned against relieves me of God’s opposing hand. And I get to once again, be exalted to be nearer to Him (Js 4:6-10); enjoying His perfect peace (Is 26:3-4).

When my Father faithfully washes and renews my mind with His Word, my eyes see clearly; my ears hear obediently; my mind understands humbly; and my heart desires greatly, to follow my Lord into any and all hardships—knowing that like my Savior, I will learn obedience through what I suffer (Ps 119:67-68 and 71; Heb 5:7-8).

I pray for my Father to daily, help me forget what’s behind (failures and successes) and strain towards the good work He has prepared for me in advance, that I might walk in them (Phil 3:14, Eph 2:10).

To God be the glory, forever and ever. Amen.

As many of you know, I daily face many serious and painful health challenges. To quote one of my 12 specialists, I have a very "eventful medical history".

And the events continue.

In February of this year,my stellar Optometrist, Dr. Jeff Thomas, found a tiny spot near the macula of my left eye and some bleeding in my back of my right eye. But nothing to be too concerned with at the time.

This past week, my vision began to decrease daily; especially in my left eye. I didn't tell my darling husband Jim until yesterday, because he always makes me call a doctor. The only reason I told him at all, was because my sight has become so hindered in just the past few days, I was sure he would notice. So, to stay out of trouble, I shared it with him as merely an FYI situation. So if he notices that I can't see something, then he'll have a heads up. The end.

Unfortunately, my darling Jim mistook my simple FYI for a, "Should I call the doctor?" Long story short, per my husband's direction, I called my Dr. Thomas' office only to obey my husband and give them an update. I knew that they were only seeing emergency cases, and was sure this would not fall under that category. So though I felt this call unnecessary, I did as my darling husband asked.

The options Dr. Thomas' office is kindly offering patients is: phone triage, update to her manager and/or Dr. Thomas to let them determine if we can simply do a triage phone call, tele-visit, or in-person visit.

After Dr. Thomas called me yesterday, he determined that I needed to be seen in person for further testing. And he made an appointment to be seen earlier this morning.

We found out that since February, the teeny tiny spot near my macula in my left eye has grown quite a bit in a short amount of time. I now have two cysts that are causing swelling near my macula—cystoid macular edema (CME). And a little thinning of my retinal matter in my right eye. This explains why my eyesight is very blurry, colors are dull, and I have some blind spots in my vision.

And here I thought it was all just hormonal imbalance. Of course, I initially blame all my declining health issues on hormonal imbalance. And so far, I'm batting a thousand (obviously, I jest).

After his findings, Dr. Thomas informed me that I'd have to see a Retina Specialist. But the Ophthalmologist that's at the top of his list is difficult to get into. He said that he'd try to get me in within the next two or three weeks. Shortly after I arrived home, Dr. Thomas' office called me and informed me that I have an appointment with the Retina Specialist, tomorrow, at noon.

So here we go again.

Surprisingly, though I am not looking forward to add to my already "eventful medical history", I'm not at all afraid or the least bit anxious. The first thought that came to mind was, "Should I lose my eyesight, these eyes can still see the LORD." And having that thought be the first thing to pop into my mind, was planted there by my God and Father, to set my feet on solid ground, making my steps secure; regardless of how well I can see the physical steps I take.

No matter how well I can or cannot see with these temporal and physical eyes, it has no adverse effect on how well I can or cannot see my LORD. For my God is always with me, and what He sees and perceives, is what I get to see and perceive, in Christ Jesus my Lord.

My life is not determined by anything in this world. I am not limited by any physical space or time. I am free in Christ, to live exactly as He has ordained for me to live—in His good and perfect will.

For those of you who are led by the Holy Spirit to pray for me. Please follow His leading and not your own. Please pray as our Lord Jesus taught us to pray, for God's will and not our will. And what is His will for this? It's the same as He said in John 9:3, and so many other passages of Scripture that speak of the glory, honor, and exaltation of God and His gracious and merciful Gospel of peace. So, in that vein, please pray for me to have the courageous and loving compassion of Christ, to "see" people the way He sees them: lost or found. And pray that in so doing, that I may seek to do good to others, rather than seek comfort or any good for myself. For I already have more than I need through the glorious and inexplicable riches of Christ Jesus.

(If you're wondering, yes, this was very difficult to type. So if you see typos or strange sentence structure, that is why. And if you don't see any errors, thanks be to God!)

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