abandoned to Christ.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

-Psalm 73:26, ESV

Psalm 73:25 says, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Both verses 25 and 26 resonate the song of my literal and figurative heart; for God alone makes my physical heart beat, and He alone made my figurative heart alive in Christ. Without the LORD I wouldn't have physical or spiritual life...and neither would anyone else.

This past Friday, my Cardiac Electrophysiologist confirmed that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome (SSS). What this means is that my heart can no longer keep a steady rhythm because it's "sick".

The short version is that my natural pacemaker (sinus node) is no longer functioning properly so I have bradycardia (heart rate under 60 bpm) which causes me to be very lightheaded, dizzy and weak due to the lack of blood flow to my brain and other parts of my body. I also have moments of tachycardia (heart rate greater than 100 bpm) and ectopic heartbeats (extra heartbeats) from both the atrial and ventricular areas of my heart. Therefore, the only treatment for SSS is a pacemaker to keep my heart rate as high as it needs to be and heart medications to lower my heart rate for when I have bouts of tachycardia.

Finding out at age 46 that I need an artificial pacemaker because my natural pacemaker is "sick" is hard news to accept. Due to my pride, I didn't want to get a pacemaker. I figured with all that the Lord has faithfully endured me through (13 years of brutal persecution; two suicide attempts; raped by a co-worker at age 17; stalked for six years by a neighbor; nearly died giving birth to my firstborn; four hospital admits; grand mal seizure; multiple procedures; countless tests; muscle and liver biopsies; five endoscopies and colonoscopies; sepsis due to gallbladder eruption and emergency surgery to remove it; partial hysterectomy; back and neck surgeries that included 5 artificial disc placements, 16 titanium screws, two titanium rods and one titanium plate; two kidney stone surgeries, oral arthrocentesis, etc.) I could endure this without medical intervention.

Though my body has a low pain tolerance, my Father God has given me a high pain threshold so I know I'm able to endure much pain and discomfort. Knowing this, I decided being lightheaded, dizzy, nauseous (due to the dizziness) and constant fatigue would be my new normal and I was content with that until...until I considered that I could pass out or go into cardiac arrest while driving and injure or kill other people. Though my eternity is secure, I can't be sure that the eternity of a person I might injure or kill is secure and I can't allow my pride to be so thoughtless and reckless with the lives of others around me.

This journey has been a bit of an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Though I didn't want an artificial pacemaker at age 46, I prayed for God to give wisdom to my doctors and to use them to speak His direction to me regarding my heart condition and treatment. So when I went to my appointment on Friday, I was ready to accept whatever my doctor said. Though I wasn't happy with the news, I was thankful for God's faithfulness and I readily accepted having an artificial pacemaker implanted. Then my doctor's scheduler called yesterday saying his first availability would be a month from now. I was discouraged because I finally came to terms that getting a pacemaker was God's will, and began looking forward to being healed of this infirmity, and now, I had to remain in my condition for another month. But when the Holy Spirit reminded me of the sermon this past Sunday, I was resolved to submit everything and anything to my Father's will. I realized it's the Lord that's doing all the scheduling in my life, whether for this surgery or an outing with friends. So I prayed, and once again, relinquished my will and desire for quick relief for my Father's perfect timing.

Today, as I entered my oral surgeon's office for my one month post-op appointment, I received a call from my Cardiac Electrophysiologist's office saying there was a cancellation for tomorrow and asked if I would be available at such short notice. Of course I said YES! Then I immediately thanked my Father God for His immense mercy and kindness toward me.

When this day began, I continued to pray and ask my Father to help me die to self and live as Christ—in loving submission and obedience to the Father's good and perfect will. I prayed continually, asking Jesus to help me as He promised He would whenever the weakness of my flesh tempts me to sin and seek immediate relief from my trials (Heb 4:15-16). As I prayed early this morning and throughout the day, I listened to "He's Always Been Faithful" by Chelsea Moon and Uncle Daddy. I reminded my heart of my Father's steadfast love and faithfulness to me all the days of my life (Ps 40:11). And though my physical heart is still sick and makes me feel quite weak and ill, my figurative heart—my soul that's been washed by the blood of Jesus Christ, united with Him for all eternity, is greatly comforted and filled with awestruck gratitude.

Below are the lyrics to this blessed song that God used today to fill my heart with joy and thanksgiving, in spite of my physical weakness.

"He's Always Been Faithful"

"Morning by morning I wake up to find

The power and comfort of God's hand in mine

Season by season, I watch Him amazed

In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways

All I have need of His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

"I can't remember one single regret

In serving God only and trusting His hand

I can't remember a trial or a pain

He did not recycle to bring me gain

All I have need of His hand will provide

He's always been faithful to me

"This is my anthem, and this is my song

The theme of the stories

I've heard for so long

God has been faithful; He will be again

His loving compassion—it knows no end

And all I have need of, His hand will provide

"He's always been faithful

He's always been faithful

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father

There is no shadow of turning with Thee

Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not

As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be."

I pray that no matter what circumstance you find yourself in today, that you will speak God's truth to your heart rather than listen to the lies of your flesh or the lies of our enemy, Satan. Remember who God is, for the reality of our Father's character will vanquish every lie, every fear and will prove, as always, that God is greater than any pain we'll ever suffer.

Rather than worry...worship.

If God meant my salvation to be solely for the purpose of me knowing Him, fellowshiping with Him and fellow saints in spirit and in truth, then why am I still here? Because really, I can do all these things in Heaven. If these things were God's sole purpose, then God, who wastes nothing, would have let me die and called me to glory right after He gave me eternal life in Jesus Christ.

But He didn't. Why?

Because God's sole purpose in saving me wasn't just so I could go to church, remain in a Christian bubble and enjoy fellowship with Him and other believers. God's purpose in saving me and leaving me here on earth was so I could be salt and light to the world—an ambassador of Christ—holding fast to the Word of life in a crooked and perverse generation (Mt 5:13-16, Php 2:14-16).

"I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he has inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live...Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.

-Psalm 116:1-2; 5-7, ESV

My Father God has mercifully and abundantly given me the treasures of Heaven through the abiding life of Jesus Christ within me. To have Christ is to have everything. There is nothing greater in this life or the next. To know Christ as my Savior, to be claimed by Him as His own, to be loved perfectly in His holiness and righteousness, to be established as a child of the Most High God—provides the most infinite pleasures of being alive.

Because I have the greatest of all treasures (Jesus Christ) in this jar of clay (my body), though I might feel deep sorrow for the sad news I received this past Wednesday about my heart, I am not left to wallow in the cavernous pit of self, but I am given the great privilege to cry out to my Father and my God in the midst of my affliction. And as Christ did for His disciples when He walked this earth, He still does for us today...He immediately lifts us from sinking in our circumstances (Mt 14:29-31) and fixes our eyes back on Him...where they belong. So when I was told a few days ago that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome on top of all my other ailments, and needed a pacemaker, I was disheartened that my tent (my body) continues to rapidly fall apart. But when I cried out the my Father God, as He promised, His Holy Spirit brought to mind all that Jesus has already taught me through His Word, and I was strengthened.

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."

-2 Corinthians 5:1-12, ESV (emphasis mine)

It seems I have many "uncommon" or rare diseases and conditions that constantly put me in the peculiar position of sharing with medical staff and others, why I believe the Lord has allowed these painful health issues to infiltrate my life. For example, when my Cardiologist confirmed what my Cardiac Electrophysiologist already told me the week prior (but I didn't want to believe him), that I needed a pacemaker, he said, "The reason why you need your arrhythmia treated with a pacemaker and possibly with a beta-blocker as well, is because you don't want to be driving down the highway at 65 mph and pass out, or go into cardiac arrest." I said, "Yes, that occurred to me after I had to swallow my pride about not wanting a pacemaker and get back on heart meds at age 46. But when I considered the possibility that my pride might cause injury or death to someone else, I was ready to receive whatever you were going to say I needed. I trust the Lord to speak through you." He quickly responded, "Well, you don't want to injure yourself either. I mean, you want to see 47, don't you?" I smiled and said nothing because I had already explained to him before that no matter what trials come in this life, including one that may take my life, Christ is always with me so I'm not concerned for myself, but for those who may not know Him.

I'm in a win-win situation; others may not be.

When I wonder why I am still here and why I can't go Home yet, rather than remain in my whining state, I speak the words of God to myself; some that I've shared here, and many others I've shared elsewhere. And when I turn away from looking at myself and my circumstances and lift my eyes to the hills where my help comes from—from the Maker of heaven and earth, I am where my soul most delights to be...at the feet of Jesus.

"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."
-2 Corinthians 7:1, ESV

It's been a while since I've shared anything about my physical health (my last post was in November 2014). Perhaps you thought the Lord healed me from my serious health afflictions...but He hasn't...yet. And that's okay with me.

I'm now entering my 11th year of constant and often debilitating pain, extreme fatigue, seven surgeries in seven years (my most recent was a few weeks ago). I'm also still adding new specialists to my already large repertoire (an Endocrinologist, Cardiac Electrophysiologist, Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon, and more). In addition to all this, it looks as if I'm going to need at least one more, and possibly two surgeries this year (one for my hyperparathyroidism and the other for a cardiac pacemaker).

The reason it's been so long since I've shared anything about my continually declining health, is because I've wrongly concluded that it's better for me to encourage you rather than burden you with my seemingly, never-ending litany of trials. But when I was discussing this issue with my oldest son earlier today, I realized how wrong I've been not to share more about my weaknesses; because how then, can anyone see Christ's power manifested perfectly in me (2 Cor 12:9-10)?

Though our Father God has graciously allowed me to keep my heart and mind focused on the things eternal rather than on the things temporal—like my physical health, it's wrong of me not to share the pains of this journey with you. So please forgive me.

I want so much for you to be strengthened in your faith, to keep your sights vertical rather than horizontal, that I've neglected to show you how to do that when you're in the trenches...in the heat of the battle between your flesh's desire and your renewed desire to please and honor the Lord.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this is why the gospel was preached even to those who are dead, that though judged in the flesh the way people are, they might live in the spirit the way God does."

-1 Peter 4:1-6, ESV

Because the focus of what I do is not for physical results (comfort and healing), my hope is not deferred and my fervor is not exhausted. Part of my daily regime is to eat healthy, exercise five to six days a week (though it's painful and makes me very ill), drink about 72 ounces of water plus juice daily, and do more than my doctors ask. I don't practice these disciplines because I love my body and want nothing more than to be healed, I do them because I love Christ and know my body belongs to Him, and not me (Gal 2:20).

Some people wrongly assume because I'm so disciplined, it means I'm not tempted by my sinful flesh to gratify it, rather than honor Christ. But I am often tempted and sometimes give into my temptations to be lazy and do nothing; to be mediocre, rather than do all things with excellence as unto the Lord. I'm constantly tempted by my flesh to be so self-absorbed, that at times, I more resemble a black-hole, than a light to the world.

I could use God's grace as an excuse to remain enslaved to my fleshly desires (saying, "I'm only human", "God's not finished with me yet" or "I'm a work in progress"), or I could avail the great and wonderfully freeing gift from God given only to Christians—repentance. My confidence in my Father's forgiveness endows me with spiritual strength to persevere; to run my course and to finish well with urgency, rather than be satisfied with complacency (1 Jn 1:9, Rom 5:1-5).

Sadly, this is not the same experience all professing Christians know and understand. Some who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior live like they're their own lord and savior. They praise Jesus when things go well. And they may even praise Jesus and express trust when trials come their way. But when God's refining fire tests their faith over an extended period of time, their false profession and fruitless deeds are consumed by God's holiness (1 Cor 13:5). As Jesus says, there are those who hear the Gospel and joyfully receive it, but once painful trials come their way, they turn away from the Word rather than turn to it (Lk 8:13).

Those who do not truly know God only "love" Him when they think they can get something by claiming association with Him; including false piety. But when the show of false piety during difficult times gets old, their quick and easy profession of trust in Jesus, just as quickly, produces self-righteous demands, even arrogantly accusing God of not keeping His promises.

Throughout Scripture, we see how our gracious and merciful Father God uses even the fall of man that brought sin and suffering to this world, as a tool to reveal to us where we truly stand with Him: still in our self-righteous sin, or justified by the righteous works of Christ (Gen 3:24, Rom 5:16).

Those who are truly saved will never turn away from God or accuse Him of wrongdoing. Rather, they will turn all the more to Him, crying out to Him night and day, seeking to repent of any sins that are obvious or oblivious to them; begging God to help them see Him clearly and love Him more dearly. Those who abide in Christ will hunger and thirst for righteousness and look to the LORD for help rather than try to seek comfort from unbelievers who can only provide temporal remedies for our physical bodies, but can offer no real comfort for our eternal souls.

I don't remain true to God because I'm holier than others. I remain true to God because I'm keenly aware of the wretch that I am; the utter depravity of my sinful heart and mind, and my growing ineptness to do anything worthy of being called good by the only One who is good. Because I'm so desperately insecure in myself and often terrified of what others think of me or might say or do to me, I cling to Christ all the more and desire to remain hid in Him because He is my Strong Tower—the only place I can be me and feel completely safe, compassionately accepted, perfectly loved, and profoundly secure.

My faith and the life I live are not strong because of me. My faith and life are strong because of the One who holds and owns them both—Jesus Christ the Lord (Gal 2:20).

As I continue to struggle physically and spiritually—to live a life that most pleases, honors and glorifies the Lord, I often grow weary of the fight and am tempted to give up. But when I cry out to the LORD, He lifts me from my miry pit and sets my feet on solid ground (Mt 11:28-30, Ps 40:1-3). If you do the same, you will receive same because I don't have any more of Jesus than you do (Gen 4:6-7). As Burk Parsons wisely said,"We don't need more of Jesus, just less of self. We already have all of Jesus."

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us. but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, 'Where is your God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

-Psalm 115:1-3; 121:1-2, ESV

On Friday, June 26, 2015 five of the nine justices of the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS) vied themselves against the Supreme God of all creation with their calamitous decision to redefine a God-ordained institution—marriage—the union of one man and one woman—two becoming one flesh, by the declaration of God Almighty.

The liberty that was fought for by valiant men and women, and once mandated by the Constitution of the United States; for each state to have the right to legislate their own laws in these matters, through their elected officials—by the people, for the people, has now be relegated by five unelected officials whose arrogance has reached the highest heavens. Due to the supreme foolishness of these Supreme Court justices (Sotomayer, Kagan, Ginsburg, Bryer and Kennedy) same-sexed marriages have now been legalized in all 50 states of my country; the country which I love.

There have been many news articles and blog posts about this sad day in American history. And I don’t desire to be another clamoring voice, spewing the same news. My desire is to do what God has given me to do in every aspect of my life; to speak the Gospel truth to a dying and depraved world that is passing away along with its desires, and to encourage the saints in Christ to not lose heart because all who do the will of God will abide forever (1 Jn 2:17).

Do not hate and damn our country, but love and pray for it (2 Timothy 2:24-26).

Just like the great prophets of old (Moses, Isaiah, Jeremiah, etc.) loved and prayed for God’s mercy upon the country He sovereignly put them in for His purpose, I too love and pray for my country because my Father God whom I love most, put me here to be a beacon of His hope, love, joy and peace found only in Jesus Christ His Son. So when I see our country being drowned in the cesspools of sexual immorality and pragmatism, my heart is deeply grieved and my knees are bent in prayer. I pray for the five justices who are under Satan’s yoke to do his will because God has chosen to blind them from the truth. I pray for God to have mercy on them, just as He’s had mercy on me. I pray for the petitioners of this suit, and others who revel in sin, that God would grant them the gift of repentance that leads to saving faith in Jesus Christ His Son—the only Mediator between God and man.

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of God…'All things are lawful for me,' but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful for me,' but I will not be enslaved by anything...Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."

-1 Corinthians 6:9-12, 18, ESV (emphasis mine)

Do not be dismayed, but remain steadfast and immovable in the Lord, His Word, and His precepts (1 Peter 4:12-14).

The recent ruling of the Supreme Court of the United States can’t thwart nor does it remotely hinder the everlasting ruling of the only Supreme and Sovereign—God Almighty. When SCOTUS informed the world of their stupendous decision to test the Great I AM, the LORD was not surprised and He was not dismayed; so neither shall His people be.

Much like the presumptuous kings and rulers who had no fear of God, during the days of the prophet Jeremiah (Jer 36:23-32), the “kings” of our day recklessly think that by “burning” (redefining and ignoring) God’s decrees like King Jehoiakim did, they will be able to stop the destruction God mercifully warned would come to pass if they did not repent. And just as King Jehoiakim was suddenly swept away by his willful defiance of God’s admonition, the same will happen to anyone who does the same.

This is a time of great testing for all who profess the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Those who choose to condone, celebrate or remain silent for fear of retribution will only prove that their profession is dead. Neither listen to nor entertain the words of those who profess Christ, yet join in the revelry of any sin. Rather rebuke and urge them to repent.

“But false prophets also arose among the people, just as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies…For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the day of judgment…if by turning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to ashes he condemned them to extinction, making them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly; and if he rescued Lot, greatly distressed by the sensual conduct of the wicked (for as that righteous man lived among them day after day, he was tormenting his righteous soul over their lawless deeds that he saw and heard); then the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment, and especially those who indulge in the lust of defiling passion and despise authority.

“They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved.”

-2 Peter 2:1, 4, 6-10, 18-19, ESV

I pray that when we come before our Lord Jesus, on the last day, we will not be ashamed, for we will not come to our King empty-handed, but will come with a harvest of righteousness that was sown in the peace of God (James 3:18). And on that great day, I pray that we would all hear our Lord say, “You have done a beautiful thing to Me.” (Mark 14:6)

May the grace and peace of Christ our Lord be multiplied to your spirits. Stand fast.

Additional resources:

John MacArthur’s Exhortation to Believers

Audacity Movie—Loving Homosexuals God’s Way

SCOTUS Decision on Same-Sex Marriages