I had planned on writing something else today. But I feel that what I will share today instead, was by God, and far more eternally important than an update on me.

Many of you are faithfully praying for me and my family and have written to me asking for updates on how I'm doing. I cannot fully express how much your prayers mean to me and how much I see God answering your prayers on my behalf. You've given me such a great gift. I thank God for all of you with my whole heart. ♥

Because I can't write to all of you personally, I had planned on writing today about my latest struggles and how God continues to deliver me from them all; at least spiritually (being the most important), emotionally and mentally.

I also wanted to thank both my sisters Heidi and Hope who awarded me with The True Heart blog award.

But as the LORD woke me up very early this morning to have a six hour praise and quiet time with Him, He also brought me news that broke my heart. Today, I found out at our sister Pat's blog site, our sister Rachel Barkey was called Home, last Thursday, June 2, 2009 at age 37 after five very challenging years of battling cancer.

For those of you who missed my last post introducing you to our dear sister, Rachel Barkey, you can read the post HERE. And if you also missed her last public exhortation on why we are here, then please be sure not to miss this Christ-exalting video again. It is 55 minutes long, but I assure you, if you watch it, you'll know that these 55 minutes will be the best minutes you'll probably spend today. So come with me now and worship our Lord Jesus Christ, as we hear our Lord speak through our sister Rachel who is now Home with our Father God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, the Son.

In this video, Rachel shares what defines her: only her relationship with Jesus. She also shares the four principles (in detail) that have helped shape her, they are:

Rachel once wrote in one of her letters, that Dying Is Hard, especially because no one has died and come back to leave us instructions on how to do it. While this is true, I believe God has used our sister Rachel to teach us this very thing; as she invited the world to travel with her as she wrote letters and spoke in the video you just watched; all done, while she was dying or rather more accurately for children of God, falling asleep [1 Thessalonians 4:13-14].

I thank God for Rachel, a woman I've never met. A sister I've never hugged. But just the same, have prayed for and loved and am looking forward to seeing when the Lord calls me Home.

I believe the Lord fulfilled in her, the same spirit He fulfilled in the Apostle Paul who wrote:

Yes, there are no instructions on how to die per se, but I believe the Lord gave us those instructions both in the above Scripture passage, as well as in our sister Rachel Barkey, who not only lived well in Christ Jesus our Lord, but also died well in the same Savior with Whom she is now in the presence of, and completely delivered from all her trials and tribulations here on earth.

Please pray for her family, especially her husband Neil, and her young children Quinn (7) and Kate (5).

For more encouragement on how to live and die with your eyes fixed solely on Christ Jesus, visit her site and read her letters.

Rachel Barkey: Death Is Not Dying - A Faith That Saves

God bless you all. I love you dearly.

• rebel against every thought, every imagination, every supposition, every argument and every idea that opposes God according to His Word. [2 Corinthians 10:5-6]
  
• be independent from needing others to pay attention to me, feel sorry for me and serve me because of my trials; for the LORD God is the one who allowed these trials in my life for my sanctification and I choose to find my joy in Christ alone so that I might serve others instead of seeking to be served. [1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, Psalm 40:16, Romans 8:28-30, Mark 10:45]
  
• apply my laziness to bitterness, gossip and slander. I choose to be so lazy in these areas that I will not even entertain wicked thoughts in my mind or bitterness in my heart so that no corrupt talk flows out of my mouth - especially towards my brothers and sisters in Christ [Ephesians 4:29-32, Matthew 15:18, Galatians 6:10]. I choose instead to love the unlovable, give grace to the unkind and impart mercy to those who have wronged me; for this is how the Lord has treated me [Luke 6:35-36].
• hate all that is evil and cling to all that is good; therefore I will hate every sin within my members and love others as Christ has loved me [Romans 12:9, Romans 7:23-25, John 15:12].
  
• impart judgment only to discern between good and evil, not to condemn or curse another person who has been made in the image of God, but instead to speak out against evil and injustice poured out upon others; without looking for it to be returned to me. I will judge and examine myself daily, to see whether or not my thoughts and actions are in accordance with God's Word [Hebrews 5:14, James 3:9-10, Proverbs 31:8-9, 1 Corinthians 5:13, Lamentations 3:40, 2 Corinthians 13:5] .

His [God's] divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control, with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you for being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and elections sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.
~ 2 Peter 1:3-12

God's Gift of Discipline: For My Spiritual Edification

Spiritual discipline seems to be a long forgotten practice in the evangelical churches of today. Many churches no longer practice church discipline, and in doing so, have invited goats among the sheep [Matthew 25:32-33, 41] to worship the Lord of Hosts, the LORD God Almighty. Naturally, inviting those who are not truly converted disciples of Christ; those who are have not been born again, through repentance and full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, causes us to be guilty of the sin of desecrating our offering of praise to our God if we knowingly bring those we know are not born of His Spirit to worship at His altar with us, just so we can boast of numbers and check off our list of spiritual accomplishments [Malachi 1:6-11].

We need to go back to the times of the great reformation and renew our spiritual fervor [Romans 12:9-13] as we love one another according to God's word and not according to the comforts of our flesh and in conformity with the ways of the world. We need to return to revering all of God's commandments and His holy ordinances. It seems in many evangelical churches, we have lost what it means to fear God and all that He has commanded to be holy, including worship and ordinances such as the Lord's Supper.

In the original tabernacle, there was a curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place (where the Ark of the Covenant was placed). No one was allowed to enter through the curtain of the Most Holy Place, except for the Priest and even so, he was only allowed to enter once a year to make atonement for his sins and the sins of all the people. But as we know, all the things here on earth are but a shadow of the eternal things to come [Hebrews 10:1].

I am so thankful to God for His wonderful gift of our church family where we practice biblical church discipline. Church discipline is necessary, not only because it is commanded by God in Scripture, but our compassionate heavenly Father has commanded it for our benefit, not our harm. When we are members of a God-fearing, God-loving church that adheres strictly to God's word rather than our evil culture, then every member of that church benefits in the abundant grace of God that is poured out onto such a fellowship of believers [Acts 4:33].

Personally, I've benefited greatly due to this biblical training of spiritual discipline from our church family and our wise and humble leaders. I've learned to make it a practice to examine myself and approach the throne of God's grace with a true heart, a teachable heart, and a repentant heart that desires more to seek the face of Jesus, rather than to seek the wicked desires of my flesh. In doing so, God has revealed to me one of the main reasons why I was in the hospital and have been recently afflicted in my body: for my spiritual edification.

Please don't take me wrong. I am not saying that every Christian who suffers in their body, is suffering because of a sin in which they have not repented. I am fully aware that many of our bodily afflictions occur because we live in a fallen world and the sin that dwells within our flesh is the most dangerous and fatal disease that has struck all humanity; therefore, there is no one who can escape death and illness that comes upon our bodies. What I am saying is, it is not for us to judge one another in this matter, but as the Lord God commands us in the above passage, it is for each of us to judge ourselves; soberly [Romans 12:3-5]. We are all called, as children of the Most High God to examine our own hearts; fervently requesting of the Lord who knows our hearts, to search them, test them and lead us in the Way [Psalm 139:23-24]. We are to ask with sincere love, that God forgive us and reveal to us (so that we might repent) of all our daily sins; both those that are obviously visible to us and those that are not [Psalm 19:12-14].

***By the way, I am in no way including bodily afflictions that come upon a person due to persecution for the name of Jesus. As we know, all this is for the glory of God to be displayed in the lives of those who suffer this way and no personal sin is ever the cause [John 9:1-3].***

In God's compassion, He delighted to show me that I have been guilty of hidden sins in two areas of my life:

We all suffer from pride and struggle with this wickedness within us all. One of the awful things about pride is it creeps into areas we would never suspect. During my recent bodily affliction and hospital stay, God was so kind to reveal these hidden sins to me. Of course, not hidden to Him, but only to my own heart that had deceived me for all these years. The Lord, in His mercy showed me that when I approached His throne on behalf of another, I would often only do it if I deemed that their prayer request was important. When God showed this to me, I felt sicker than I already did with all that I had already been stricken! I was so disgusted that I would dare to presume whether or not another person's prayer request was worthy of taking to the throne of God's mercy and grace. Personally, I've never heard of such a preposterous thing! Oh, what a wretched woman I am!

If that were not enough, the Lord also revealed to me that I had not only been lying to myself all these 16 years, but to my sons as well. I've raised them, telling them that Jesus should always take preeminence in their lives; that He should always be the most important Person to them, even before my Favorite and I. But in my heart, the Lord revealed to me that I didn't really believe this. God showed me that I wanted to be the most important person in their lives! Can you believe that?! As if my the first sin God revealed to me was not disgusting enough by itself, He then, with great mercy reveals this lie I've been telling myself and my sons all their lives! If there could be found, a more wretched woman than myself, I would be surprised as I am sure there is none that has, does or will ever exist. In all this, the Lord showed me how I have contended supremacy with Him. This sin is nothing short of satanic as this is the very sin that overtook Satan.

God was so kind to allow me the opportunity to immediately pray on another's behalf, without partiality and to confess my sin to my sons and ask for their forgiveness.

With gratitude, I gave thanks to my God for allowing me this light and momentary affliction [2 Corinthians 4:16-18] to be used for my spiritual discipline, for my edification that I might be all the more conformed into the likeness of His Son, my Lord Jesus the Christ; that in every way, I might repent of my sins and live a life worthy of His name.

Do I believe God's spiritual discipline for my personal edification was the only purpose for my recent bodily affliction and hospital stay? No. I know assuredly that it was only one of the many reasons. The other purpose in which I am aware of is for me to have the privilege to declare the glad news of deliverance; to be bold in speaking of God's faithfulness, righteousness, and salvation to all those who entered my hospital room, or met me during my daily walks. As for the any other purposes - well, I'm sure there are many, but I am not aware of them, and am satisfied to know of the two God was pleased to reveal to me. There are so many things that the Lord Jesus works in our lives, I am sure that while we desire to tell of them all, they are too many to declare, even through eternity [Psalm 40:5, John 21:25].

Quick update on my health:
I was released from the hospital, Tuesday, June 16,^th only because I am stable enough and was found to be able to sustain myself for the last two days of my hospital stay. They agreed that if I could do this, I could go home, but must agree to come back if any symptoms return, continue all requested testings on an outpatient basis and if my future blood tests reveal I must return, I agreed that I would. Many of my blood work is all over the country at places like the Mayo Clinic as they are very specialized testings. The following are the results (thus far) from biopsies, CT Scans, etc.: I have several indeterminate nodules in my right lung and one in my left; although on the surface it seemed my colonoscopy and endoscopy proved to be clear, the biopsy reports returned with signs of severe inflammation within the tissue of my esophagus and stomach; my white blood cell count (specifically my eosinophils) continue to fluctuate; I am still on a strict diet, no meds and very weak.

I have a hospital follow-up and recheck of my CBC with my family doctor next week, and a visit with my hematologist (from the hospital) to discuss my results (they should return in a couple of weeks), and a follow-up with my gastroenterologist after that.

I know this might sound a bit crazy, but although my prognosis, so far doesn't sound very good and all my doctors are concerned, I'm not. It's not because I'm in shock or even nuts. It's because I'm so grateful that the Lord has delivered me from these hidden sins which I just shared; that through His mercy and kindness, chose to reveal them to me, that I might repent of them and worship Him in spirit and in truth.

God's Gift of Fellowship: Our Church Family

How can we ever thank God enough for Jesus? How can we ever thank God enough for the fellowship in His Holy Spirit? How can we ever thank God enough for godly husbands, children who walk in truth, brothers and sisters in the Lord who demonstrate every aspect of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23)? I mean, is it even possible? I don't believe so.

God is worthy to be praised, to have His name exalted above all names and He is so exceedingly good to us, I don't believe that we could ever give Him all the praise that is due Him.

Today's meditation from my hospital bed is this: thanksgiving for my church family. After years of searching, some bad church experiences due to living in a fallen world and grief that a true church of Jesus Christ no longer exists; the LORD, in His perfect timing brought us to our beautiful church family. Is our church perfect? By all means no...after all, they allow me to be a member. :-) But our hearts are full of reverence and love for God our Father, utter gratitude for His gift of salvation through Christ Jesus, His Son and the bond of fellowship He provides us in His Spirit. Our church is elder-led (as Scripture commands 1 Timothy 3:1-7) with men who are not only generously graced with God's wisdom from heaven (James 3:13, 17), but also demonstrate the humility of Christ (Philippians 2:3-7); which is key.

I think one of the saddest things that I've witnessed in drawing a body of believers away from the cause of Christ is prideful leaders who begin to run the church more like a business, being more concerned about numbers, rather than a "hospital" for sinners who are in desperate need of The Savior and the gift of fellowship in His Spirit.

During my stay in the hospital (going on 5 days now), our family has received faithful and fervent prayers (not only for my healing, but for my darling husband and sons), visits, gifts, cards, phone calls to share Christ's love, videos to watch and wonderful care for our sons so my Favorite can spend most of his time taking care of home, visiting me and bringing more and more things for me to the hospital.

Then there is my husband, with whom I also share in the fellowship of Christ Jesus our Lord. I don't believe I can ever say enough about him. He has exemplified what it means to serve me as Christ. There are days he goes to and from the hospital several times to bring me things. Most of this happened because initially, we had no idea that I would be here this long and wasn't sure what I would need. My Favorite takes care of the boys, is managing house duties (both his and mine), is working diligently on a new website for our church and so much more. He continues to be the strong and compassionate vessel of God's love for me. He's put up with my pity parties, bad attitudes and unkind mouth. He comforts me in my sorrows and rebukes me when I'm sinning; he does all this, with the love and strength of Christ through the word of God. In all this, he has not sinned and continues to be the epitome of what it means to be a husband who loves his wife as Christ has loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25-27). I am truly a woman blessed beyond measure.