I've been meaning to write for a long while now. I've had so many things swirling around my head. Thoughts about sharing, and confessing recent sins and how God, as always, faithfully and lovingly disciplines me and teaches me. I wanted to share with all of you how good and amazingly awesome our Father God is and how He has incredible compassion on us because He remembers that we are only dust. There are so many things that I've wanted to tell all of you. So many things in my heart; my personal desires, my struggles, the truth and power of God's presence in the midst of these things...so many things to share and seemingly so little time to do it.

Which thought was better? Which lesson have I learned that would be so encouraging to others? What should I write and when should I do it? Who am I writing to? What will they need to hear today that will impart to them much grace, to encourage them to stay the course (Ephesians 4:29)?


Therefore, here I am today, sharing with you what the LORD has done for me and why I praise His holy name. I want you to know why my hope and my every desire is found only in Christ Jesus alone. When all else and everyone else fails me, the Lord uses these times to remind me that HE alone is my Help and my Deliverer and He will not delay in delivering me from all my troubles (Psalm 40:16-17).

As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.
~ Psalm 103:13-14

The key phrase here is: "to those who fear Him." And that is who I'm writing to today. Are you one of those? If so, walk with me, as I share.

There are many people all over the world who are going through difficult times, scary times; facing life and death situations and experiencing heart break after heart break - with each beat coming so close together, one can hardly catch one's breath before the next wave of trials seem to pound upon their already frail and weakened state.


What do we fear? Do we fear rejection? Do we fear loss of favor? Do we fear we'll be forgotten? Do we fear that those God has put around us, to help and protect us - will not? Do we fear man's attempts to thwart God's ultimate plan for each of our lives? Do we fear death? Or do we fear that we must go on living; living without hope and without understanding or significant purpose?

Presently, I am weakened in every way. My body continues to fight against me. My mind seems to be fading faster than a runaway train. Emotionally, I feel that I can barely hold myself up, let alone anyone else.

We just found out that I have to go to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota. My first appointment is on Monday, August 10^th. I have been told I will be there at least a week, and will know better after my first consultation with the team of doctors up there how long I will have to stay. I haven't wanted to go. And to make things worse, spiritually, I've been bombarded with the enemy using those closest to me, even my brothers and sisters in Christ - to hurt me. There seems to be no end to the barrage of battering.

I'm tired and I want to give up. I want to say, "Okay, you win! Everybody and everything that has been beating against me, tearing me down, fighting me with every opportunity - you win, all of you, you win. I quit, I give up! Now leave me alone...


Sometimes all this fighting seems senseless. Why? Why should I go on and fight? What for? What's the purpose? It's too hard! And it seems to be too much trouble for something that's so unimportant and of little significance - that is, my life. I'm only one person. One very small, not so smart, not so talented, not so anything that I'm sure all my fighting makes - not so much sense, because I make, not so much of a difference.

As my flesh works with my adversary, Satan; their loud, boisterous lies are overtaken and completely demolished by the strong whisper of my Heavenly Father who says to me:

And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide Himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the Way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!"
~ Isaiah 30:20-22

Then I remembered, who or what do I fear more than God? Absolutely no one and absolutely nothing. For the LORD who is God, alone is worthy to be feared, worthy to be praised and alone is worthy of all my love and trust; for He alone can never fail me. When I look to others to always be there for me, to protect me, to consider my best; then I have sinned by creating for myself, with my own hands, idols - idols overlaid with silver and gold-plated metal. I can't and never should expect another fallible human-being like myself to faithfully protect me and love me. No man or woman was ever made to do that. Only God Himself is faithful and can never fail. Only God alone can always protect, comfort and seek our best. That's why He alone deserves supremacy in our lives. And that's why we all should love Him with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength. Because God alone is capable of being God. I am not, and neither is anyone else in my life.

Only God alone is untainted by Satan's lies and God alone cannot and will never be used as Satan's tool to damage our lives. But we can and have been. We are all susceptible to Satan's deceptions - if we're not paying attention and staying in constant prayer (Matthew 26:41). All of us, including me, can be and have in the past allowed ourselves to be used by our enemy to hurt those we love; our family members and those in the body of Christ. Why? Because we didn't stay in prayer. Why didn't we stay in prayer? Because we sometimes become so casual with our relationship with God that we forget that He is the LORD God Almighty, He is righteous, He is just, He is the Judge and He can and will call an accounting for every careless word, and every thoughtless deed (Matthew 12:36, 2 Corinthians 5:10).

We forget that God is holy, He is righteous, therefore He must punish sin. We want God to be fluffy and ooshy and gooshy, then we call that love. But if we're honest with ourselves, we know that while it may be warmth of affection; "love" that is safe, calculating and always considers the benefit of self before acting, has not the very nature of love in it.

God is love and He suffered Himself; His One and Only Son for our sakes. There's nothing fluffy, warm, fuzzy or ooshy gooshy about that. We bring no benefit to God and we can't make Him greater than He already Is. We do however bring Him pain, grief and sorrow. We make Him angry when we rebel and disobey (Psalm 7:11) - every single day. He could and should smite all of us, but in His compassion and endless mercy, He saves us instead and calls many to be His own. And this is why we ought to always fear Him, as we should always keep in the forefront of our minds that God is a God of righteousness, holiness and pours out His wrath against all evildoing and evildoers. Then it will be easier for us to remember to run with utter gratitude, relief and eternal thanksgiving to the One who showers us with good, even when we have hurt Him so and are more deserving of His wrath rather than His mercy, compassion and love.

Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore He exalts Himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are those who wait for Him.
~ Isaiah 30:18

Most holy and gracious Father God in Heaven, I truly pray that Your name will be hallowed today - especially amongst Your children. Teach us to live such holy lives that the light of Christ within us will truly shine for all the world to see. Let us not bicker, bite and devour one another as the world does. Let us not fight for our names to be hallowed, but for Your name alone to be exalted. Please Father God, You are the God of peace; protect Your children from the enemy. Keep us from allowing one another to be used as Satan's bat in which to beat one another, especially those who are already so weak by many other trials.

O Lord God, I'm so very tired. I'm tired in every way, as You know. Give me strength to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. And help all of us, whom You've called by Your name to be mindful of the precious Name that we bear; and that everything we say and do demonstrates the position He takes in our lives.

Help us Father, to not put one another on pedestals on which none of can stand. Remind us Lord that you alone are high and lifted up. When I put too much trust in other people, even my brothers and sisters in Christ, I am always injured - but I know that to a certain extent, I have caused some of this pain upon myself by giving another human being the place of total trust and supremacy in my life. Help us all gracious Lord to remember that You alone can and will never fail us. And teach us Father to love one another in spite of our failings, just as You have loved us perfectly in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen.

I had planned on writing something else today. But I feel that what I will share today instead, was by God, and far more eternally important than an update on me.

Many of you are faithfully praying for me and my family and have written to me asking for updates on how I'm doing. I cannot fully express how much your prayers mean to me and how much I see God answering your prayers on my behalf. You've given me such a great gift. I thank God for all of you with my whole heart. ♥

Because I can't write to all of you personally, I had planned on writing today about my latest struggles and how God continues to deliver me from them all; at least spiritually (being the most important), emotionally and mentally.

I also wanted to thank both my sisters Heidi and Hope who awarded me with The True Heart blog award.

But as the LORD woke me up very early this morning to have a six hour praise and quiet time with Him, He also brought me news that broke my heart. Today, I found out at our sister Pat's blog site, our sister Rachel Barkey was called Home, last Thursday, June 2, 2009 at age 37 after five very challenging years of battling cancer.

For those of you who missed my last post introducing you to our dear sister, Rachel Barkey, you can read the post HERE. And if you also missed her last public exhortation on why we are here, then please be sure not to miss this Christ-exalting video again. It is 55 minutes long, but I assure you, if you watch it, you'll know that these 55 minutes will be the best minutes you'll probably spend today. So come with me now and worship our Lord Jesus Christ, as we hear our Lord speak through our sister Rachel who is now Home with our Father God and our Savior, Jesus Christ, the Son.

In this video, Rachel shares what defines her: only her relationship with Jesus. She also shares the four principles (in detail) that have helped shape her, they are:

Rachel once wrote in one of her letters, that Dying Is Hard, especially because no one has died and come back to leave us instructions on how to do it. While this is true, I believe God has used our sister Rachel to teach us this very thing; as she invited the world to travel with her as she wrote letters and spoke in the video you just watched; all done, while she was dying or rather more accurately for children of God, falling asleep [1 Thessalonians 4:13-14].

I thank God for Rachel, a woman I've never met. A sister I've never hugged. But just the same, have prayed for and loved and am looking forward to seeing when the Lord calls me Home.

I believe the Lord fulfilled in her, the same spirit He fulfilled in the Apostle Paul who wrote:

Yes, there are no instructions on how to die per se, but I believe the Lord gave us those instructions both in the above Scripture passage, as well as in our sister Rachel Barkey, who not only lived well in Christ Jesus our Lord, but also died well in the same Savior with Whom she is now in the presence of, and completely delivered from all her trials and tribulations here on earth.

Please pray for her family, especially her husband Neil, and her young children Quinn (7) and Kate (5).

For more encouragement on how to live and die with your eyes fixed solely on Christ Jesus, visit her site and read her letters.

Rachel Barkey: Death Is Not Dying - A Faith That Saves

God bless you all. I love you dearly.

• rebel against every thought, every imagination, every supposition, every argument and every idea that opposes God according to His Word. [2 Corinthians 10:5-6]
  
• be independent from needing others to pay attention to me, feel sorry for me and serve me because of my trials; for the LORD God is the one who allowed these trials in my life for my sanctification and I choose to find my joy in Christ alone so that I might serve others instead of seeking to be served. [1 Thessalonians 4:11-12, Psalm 40:16, Romans 8:28-30, Mark 10:45]
  
• apply my laziness to bitterness, gossip and slander. I choose to be so lazy in these areas that I will not even entertain wicked thoughts in my mind or bitterness in my heart so that no corrupt talk flows out of my mouth - especially towards my brothers and sisters in Christ [Ephesians 4:29-32, Matthew 15:18, Galatians 6:10]. I choose instead to love the unlovable, give grace to the unkind and impart mercy to those who have wronged me; for this is how the Lord has treated me [Luke 6:35-36].
• hate all that is evil and cling to all that is good; therefore I will hate every sin within my members and love others as Christ has loved me [Romans 12:9, Romans 7:23-25, John 15:12].
  
• impart judgment only to discern between good and evil, not to condemn or curse another person who has been made in the image of God, but instead to speak out against evil and injustice poured out upon others; without looking for it to be returned to me. I will judge and examine myself daily, to see whether or not my thoughts and actions are in accordance with God's Word [Hebrews 5:14, James 3:9-10, Proverbs 31:8-9, 1 Corinthians 5:13, Lamentations 3:40, 2 Corinthians 13:5] .

His [God's] divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us to His own glory and excellence, by which He has granted to us His precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self-control, and self-control, with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you for being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins. Therefore, brothers, be all the more diligent to make your calling and elections sure, for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Therefore I intend always to remind you of these qualities, though you know them and are established in the truth that you have.
~ 2 Peter 1:3-12

God's Gift of Discipline: For My Spiritual Edification

Spiritual discipline seems to be a long forgotten practice in the evangelical churches of today. Many churches no longer practice church discipline, and in doing so, have invited goats among the sheep [Matthew 25:32-33, 41] to worship the Lord of Hosts, the LORD God Almighty. Naturally, inviting those who are not truly converted disciples of Christ; those who are have not been born again, through repentance and full trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, causes us to be guilty of the sin of desecrating our offering of praise to our God if we knowingly bring those we know are not born of His Spirit to worship at His altar with us, just so we can boast of numbers and check off our list of spiritual accomplishments [Malachi 1:6-11].

We need to go back to the times of the great reformation and renew our spiritual fervor [Romans 12:9-13] as we love one another according to God's word and not according to the comforts of our flesh and in conformity with the ways of the world. We need to return to revering all of God's commandments and His holy ordinances. It seems in many evangelical churches, we have lost what it means to fear God and all that He has commanded to be holy, including worship and ordinances such as the Lord's Supper.

In the original tabernacle, there was a curtain that separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place (where the Ark of the Covenant was placed). No one was allowed to enter through the curtain of the Most Holy Place, except for the Priest and even so, he was only allowed to enter once a year to make atonement for his sins and the sins of all the people. But as we know, all the things here on earth are but a shadow of the eternal things to come [Hebrews 10:1].

I am so thankful to God for His wonderful gift of our church family where we practice biblical church discipline. Church discipline is necessary, not only because it is commanded by God in Scripture, but our compassionate heavenly Father has commanded it for our benefit, not our harm. When we are members of a God-fearing, God-loving church that adheres strictly to God's word rather than our evil culture, then every member of that church benefits in the abundant grace of God that is poured out onto such a fellowship of believers [Acts 4:33].

Personally, I've benefited greatly due to this biblical training of spiritual discipline from our church family and our wise and humble leaders. I've learned to make it a practice to examine myself and approach the throne of God's grace with a true heart, a teachable heart, and a repentant heart that desires more to seek the face of Jesus, rather than to seek the wicked desires of my flesh. In doing so, God has revealed to me one of the main reasons why I was in the hospital and have been recently afflicted in my body: for my spiritual edification.

Please don't take me wrong. I am not saying that every Christian who suffers in their body, is suffering because of a sin in which they have not repented. I am fully aware that many of our bodily afflictions occur because we live in a fallen world and the sin that dwells within our flesh is the most dangerous and fatal disease that has struck all humanity; therefore, there is no one who can escape death and illness that comes upon our bodies. What I am saying is, it is not for us to judge one another in this matter, but as the Lord God commands us in the above passage, it is for each of us to judge ourselves; soberly [Romans 12:3-5]. We are all called, as children of the Most High God to examine our own hearts; fervently requesting of the Lord who knows our hearts, to search them, test them and lead us in the Way [Psalm 139:23-24]. We are to ask with sincere love, that God forgive us and reveal to us (so that we might repent) of all our daily sins; both those that are obviously visible to us and those that are not [Psalm 19:12-14].

***By the way, I am in no way including bodily afflictions that come upon a person due to persecution for the name of Jesus. As we know, all this is for the glory of God to be displayed in the lives of those who suffer this way and no personal sin is ever the cause [John 9:1-3].***

In God's compassion, He delighted to show me that I have been guilty of hidden sins in two areas of my life:

We all suffer from pride and struggle with this wickedness within us all. One of the awful things about pride is it creeps into areas we would never suspect. During my recent bodily affliction and hospital stay, God was so kind to reveal these hidden sins to me. Of course, not hidden to Him, but only to my own heart that had deceived me for all these years. The Lord, in His mercy showed me that when I approached His throne on behalf of another, I would often only do it if I deemed that their prayer request was important. When God showed this to me, I felt sicker than I already did with all that I had already been stricken! I was so disgusted that I would dare to presume whether or not another person's prayer request was worthy of taking to the throne of God's mercy and grace. Personally, I've never heard of such a preposterous thing! Oh, what a wretched woman I am!

If that were not enough, the Lord also revealed to me that I had not only been lying to myself all these 16 years, but to my sons as well. I've raised them, telling them that Jesus should always take preeminence in their lives; that He should always be the most important Person to them, even before my Favorite and I. But in my heart, the Lord revealed to me that I didn't really believe this. God showed me that I wanted to be the most important person in their lives! Can you believe that?! As if my the first sin God revealed to me was not disgusting enough by itself, He then, with great mercy reveals this lie I've been telling myself and my sons all their lives! If there could be found, a more wretched woman than myself, I would be surprised as I am sure there is none that has, does or will ever exist. In all this, the Lord showed me how I have contended supremacy with Him. This sin is nothing short of satanic as this is the very sin that overtook Satan.

God was so kind to allow me the opportunity to immediately pray on another's behalf, without partiality and to confess my sin to my sons and ask for their forgiveness.

With gratitude, I gave thanks to my God for allowing me this light and momentary affliction [2 Corinthians 4:16-18] to be used for my spiritual discipline, for my edification that I might be all the more conformed into the likeness of His Son, my Lord Jesus the Christ; that in every way, I might repent of my sins and live a life worthy of His name.

Do I believe God's spiritual discipline for my personal edification was the only purpose for my recent bodily affliction and hospital stay? No. I know assuredly that it was only one of the many reasons. The other purpose in which I am aware of is for me to have the privilege to declare the glad news of deliverance; to be bold in speaking of God's faithfulness, righteousness, and salvation to all those who entered my hospital room, or met me during my daily walks. As for the any other purposes - well, I'm sure there are many, but I am not aware of them, and am satisfied to know of the two God was pleased to reveal to me. There are so many things that the Lord Jesus works in our lives, I am sure that while we desire to tell of them all, they are too many to declare, even through eternity [Psalm 40:5, John 21:25].

Quick update on my health:
I was released from the hospital, Tuesday, June 16,^th only because I am stable enough and was found to be able to sustain myself for the last two days of my hospital stay. They agreed that if I could do this, I could go home, but must agree to come back if any symptoms return, continue all requested testings on an outpatient basis and if my future blood tests reveal I must return, I agreed that I would. Many of my blood work is all over the country at places like the Mayo Clinic as they are very specialized testings. The following are the results (thus far) from biopsies, CT Scans, etc.: I have several indeterminate nodules in my right lung and one in my left; although on the surface it seemed my colonoscopy and endoscopy proved to be clear, the biopsy reports returned with signs of severe inflammation within the tissue of my esophagus and stomach; my white blood cell count (specifically my eosinophils) continue to fluctuate; I am still on a strict diet, no meds and very weak.

I have a hospital follow-up and recheck of my CBC with my family doctor next week, and a visit with my hematologist (from the hospital) to discuss my results (they should return in a couple of weeks), and a follow-up with my gastroenterologist after that.

I know this might sound a bit crazy, but although my prognosis, so far doesn't sound very good and all my doctors are concerned, I'm not. It's not because I'm in shock or even nuts. It's because I'm so grateful that the Lord has delivered me from these hidden sins which I just shared; that through His mercy and kindness, chose to reveal them to me, that I might repent of them and worship Him in spirit and in truth.