abandoned to Christ.

One of the most reassuring things in this world is knowing Christ and being known by Him—to be called by God Almighty as one of His children; to be saved by His grace through the sacrifice of His one and only Son and to live in His constant faithful love. There is nothing better than this.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh."

~2 Corinthians 4:7-11

Though the LORD has allowed me to suffer a time of depression, knowing He is sovereign, good and loves me, brings me comfort and peace in the midst of this chemically imbalanced storm. I don't know how all this will play out and what my heavenly Father's reasons are for allowing this trial, but I do know that I can trust Him; so the reason doesn't really matter—only the One doing the reasoning does.

Daily I struggle to just get out of bed...and stay out of bed. I struggle to go for my walks and do my physical therapy exercises. I struggle to make my bed and some days I don't. I just want everything to stop because it's all just too overwhelming. Even answering an email or going out in public to run errands or go to church alone. Everything is a struggle.

Decisions are my enemy and every minute seems to hold me captive to the emptiness of each day. And in the midst of this seeming hopelessness, God's word alone has been a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Ps 119:105). No matter where I go or what I do, the LORD is there and His word upholds me, preserves me and endures me through it all (Ps 40:11).

My days are spent in constant battle. And thanks be to God it is on my knees in prayer. Constant communication with my Savior and constantly seeking His face is all that keeps me going...but really, isn't that all that should keep any of us going?

One of the things I'm learning in the gloom of depression is that we're not as humble of a people as we ought to be. We don't have faith like children. We have faith like grown adults who've gotten to big for our britches because we've deceived ourselves into believing all the knowledge we've gained over the years have made us something greater than what we really are (Romans 12:3); making us less dependent on God and more dependent on our personal experiences.

If we only live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord, than why do so many of us know so little of it? Why is God's word not hidden in our hearts like the treasure it is? Why is it not obviously manifested in our lives as it ought to be? Are we transformed by God's word or deformed by our prideful opinions?

If not for the greatest Treasure this world has known, Jesus Christ the Lord and His Spirit dwelling in me, I know my depression would make me its slave. But since I am already a slave of Christ; a slave of righteousness, I cannot be enslaved to another. My body, my mind, my soul...my total being has been purchased with the precious blood of the Lamb of God and I trust my Good Shepherd and cry to Him at all times for help. And He helps me...every time.

"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
on those who hope in His steadfast love,
that He may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in Him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in You."
~Psalm 33:18-22

If you're presently going through a trial and find that you don't have the same peace and comfort I have in the midst of pain, then please contact me as I'd love to share with you, the only truth that can set you free.

It can be, but not always. There's self-pity (which is a sin) that brings some to become depressed. There are times when we're wounded due to self-inflicted trauma (meaning, you've behaved in ungodly and immature ways and now you have to lie in the messy bed you've made [1 Peter 2:20, 3:9, 4:14-15]). And there are traumatic situations that occur in a person’s life that are totally out of their control which brings them to depression.

In order to find out whether or not it's a faith issue or a medical issue, you should visit with your Pastor and/or a wiser and older Christian as well as your physician to determine the cause (if possible) and the degree of your depression.

I've been depressed before in my life, mostly due to self-inflicted stress and trauma, mixed in with a large dose of self-pity. And this depression was a faith issue. How do I know? Well, because my eyes were focused on me and my life and how I thought everything should be. It’s clear I was involved in self-worship. Since I was in despair due to a sin issue, that’s what made my depression a faith issue rather than a medical one.

After my recent back surgery, I was put on heavy pain medications that I'd never been on before and for a longer time period than I’m accustomed to (two and a half months). I unknowingly got myself off of them too quickly and suffered from painful withdrawal symptoms; one of them being depression.

It's been nearly two weeks since I've completely been off of my pain medications and all the withdrawal symptoms have subsided to a manageable point...except the depression. After suffering from this depression for four weeks, I went to see my doctor.

Though it's still a bit humiliating to admit, I've been diagnosed as being clinically and severely depressed due to low serotonin and was put on Lexapro which is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor); a type of anti-depression medication.

I've only been on it for a week now and it takes three to four weeks for it to build up in my body, so I'm not noticing any relief from my depression yet.

But you know, God has blessed me with the most wonderful family and friends. My darling husband has been amazingly supportive, tender, understanding and proactive in helping me determine exactly what activities I "need" to do and not do. And in treating me so tenderly, through his actions, our sons have learned the same. My friends have lovingly and faithfully kept me in their prayers. They’ve come to visit me, brought me gifts that lift my soul, encourage me and do things that help relieve the heavy burden I perpetually feel.

Though I’m easily overwhelmed by most things, I’m grateful to God for His word, my family and friends that brings me so much joy and peace, even in the midst of my present darkness.

Twenty years ago today, the Lord chose to unite me and my beloved husband together in holy matrimony.

We were both young, naive about marriage and still a bit prideful and self-serving. Naturally our pride deceived us into believing otherwise.

The first several years of our marriage were rocky as we both tried to mold one another into our own image of what we thought a husband/wife looked like.

With one child, and conversations about divorce, we were nearly done. But God's plans are never thwarted.

Never.

The Lord decided that we would be married until death do us part and have two sons with whom He would also use for His glory. As we've learned, our marriage isn't about the two of us—it's about Christ.

Out of God's great mercy and compassion for the young fools we were, He granted us the wisdom we finally asked for and committed to love one another always second to Christ. We took divorce off the table and resolved to keep Christ as our First Love; to serve Him, to bring Him glory and please Him in every way with our marriage.

No longer seeing marriage as a way to feel "complete" or satisfy any self-fulfilling desires, we pressed on to love one another not because to make each other happy, but because God created our marriage to make us holy and conform us more and more into the image of Christ.

We've had many trials in our marriage. Trials with extended family. Trials with friends. Trials with our kids. And through it all, God made our marriage stronger and more firmer in Christ. With every wind of adversity, we hunkered down together to find our identity, our purpose, our lives, hid in Christ alone.

I strive to the be biblical, Proverbs 31 woman first to please my Lord, second to serve and honor my husband. My husband strives to live up to all that is written in God's word of what a man after His own heart looks like (Eph 5:25-31); and he does this well.

Though I still have a long way to go, the Lord has given us both the peace and love we need to press on together as we long to deepen our relationship with Christ as "one"—living only to please, honor and glorify the Son of God.

We are here to make much of Jesus. Not of ourselves.

May the LORD receive all praise and glory for the 20 years He's generously granted us and for whatever more He chooses to give us. May the name of the Lord forever be praised. Amen.

"Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

our God is merciful.

The LORD preserves the simple;

when I was brought low, He saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you."

Psalm 116:5-7

As Christians, most of us know the well-rehearsed verse "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,..." (James 1:2). But most of us don't really understand what it means to consider our trials a joy—especially when the reality of it finally sets in and takes us down a road we never meant to travel...if we let it.

I'm nearly seven weeks out from my latest surgery; the worst and most painful experience I can remember. And now, at last, the reality of it all is finally beginning to set in: nights with interrupted sleep, the confinement of a brace, the weakness I notice when I don't have it on, the fatigue...oh, the fatigue. Yes, it's all starting to become very old and very real, making the "joy" in this trial appear as if it's impossible to grasp. But God promises everything is not as they appear (2 Cor 4:16-18). So I look to Him and not to that which I can only see.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

My help comes from the LORD,

who made heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot be moved;

He who keeps you will not slumber.

Behold, He who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD is your keeper;

the LORD is your shade on your right hand.

The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all evil;

He will keep your life.

The LORD will keep

your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore."

~PSALM 121

Refreshing. Comforting. Enlightening. I love God's word. Don't you?

Now, before I go on, let me make one thing clear lest anyone take this beautiful passage of Scripture and mutilate it with their own perverse thinking. God is most certainly not saying here that nothing "bad" (evil) will ever happen to you. No, read the rest of that sentence, "He will keep your life." Now that's quite a different thing than promising that all you days will be filled with nothing but happiness, health, wealth and ease. Far from it. It means so much more. The LORD of heaven and earth is promising that those who fear Him, have repented and trusted in the name of His one and only Son, will have their life hid and protected in Him and therefore will never be in danger or fear of the second death; which is eternal damnation in Hell; for their life is kept by God, with God and for God...alone.

Being a child of God means so much more than the false teachers of prosperity (i.e., Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen, Creflo Dollar, etc.) preach today. God's word promises that our lives are kept by Him. We are eternally His; it just doesn't get any better than that. There is no degree of health or wealth that trumps this promise: my life is hid in Christ (Psalm 27:5).

So when the reality of this trial set in, I began to grow quite weary of this surgery that has a nine month recovery period, countless limitations, added measures to keep my back safe, extreme fatigue, the brace, struggling with a self-pitying bad attitude, and a tired and wearied not-so-"sunny" disposition. As a matter of fact, I believe there are days I could change my name to "mildly cloudy with a chance of showers, so don't provoke me" or "severe weather ahead, take cover and don't come near". But even still, in the midst of the reality of this trial and the weariness of it all, I am grateful that my life is hid in Christ; my life is kept by God Almighty, and in due time, He will lift me up from this place and I will be healed (whether it be on this side of Heaven or not, I do not know, nor do I care).

I know all I need to know: though the waves of reality come crashing down on me, once I cry out to my glorious Savior, He always, immediately reaches out His hand and lifts me up to where He is; on steady footing and in His presence so I can see things the way He does: with eternity in view (Matt 14:30-33; Is 43:1-2).

This is not my home. This body is not my permanent body. These limitations are temporary. And one day, I will have a new, perfect body; one without sin. One day, I will see my Lord in His full glory. One day, I will be free from every trouble in this world and live the rest of my days in Heaven, with my God, my Savior. One day, I will be able to worship Him as He is due (1 Chron 16:29), and I will be able to do this faithfully without the constant interruptions of this flesh of sin.

One day, I'll be Home.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD."

~Psalm 40:1-3

This is my prayer.

If you're reading this today and you realize you don't have the same assurance I have, please contact me. I'd love to share the love of Christ with you.

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