abandoned to Christ.

Read Psalm 145

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It's been four weeks since I was diagnosed as being clinically and severely depressed and was prescribed Lexapro, an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) which is a type of anti-depressant.

I experienced some mild side-effects the first five days, but nothing since then, which I'm very grateful to the Lord for. My doctor said that it'll be about six weeks until I really notice a major difference, but I'm already noticing a little now. Getting out of bed isn't nearly as difficult as it used to be and neither is running some of my errands. I'm not as scared to got out in public by myself anymore and I've found ways to make dinner without overwhelming myself. I still don't make the bed often and sometimes get behind on laundry. But everyone is still well-fed, wearing clean clothes and I'm not biting everyone's head off anymore. It's a small improvement, and I'll take it.

But even prior to the meds taking effect, I had brunch with a my sweet sister-friend Jayne (a few weeks ago) and I shared with her how I knew that somehow, with the way God gifted me, that I was going to do depression a little differently. For those who know me well, me doing things a bit out of the norm will not be a shock; it's actually...expected.

God's given me the spiritual gifts of prophecy, teaching, exhortation and faith. With these gifts, though I still feel like crawling in a hole most days, I can't help but encourage and exhort others. I can't help but share God's goodness; proclaim His sovereignty and kindness towards us at all times. I can't help but speak what I have witnessed from my Lord. I just can't help it.

"for we cannot but speak of what we have seen and heard."

~Acts 4:20

So to those who've been down, or are struggling with trusting God or have questions, require comfort or counsel, I just can't help but offer it to them. What's odd is, I still struggle to respond to people about daily life. But when someone's in need of the way God's gifted me, I can't help but reach out to gird them up and strengthen them. Isn't it just like our heavenly Father to use the weak, scared, confused daughter to bend down and lift up another? Of course it is. This way, it's assured that God will get all the glory and praise because it's obvious to everyone that it's all being done by the magnificent power and grace of the Lord Jesus.

"It is always upon human weakness and humiliation, not human strength and confidence, that God chooses to build His Kingdom; and that He can use us not merely in spite of our ordinariness and helplessness and disqualifying infirmities, but precisely because of them."

~James S. Stewart (1896-1990)

May the Lamb who was slain, receive all the praise and glory for all the good He has done, is doing and will do; for He alone is worthy. Amen.

One of the most reassuring things in this world is knowing Christ and being known by Him—to be called by God Almighty as one of His children; to be saved by His grace through the sacrifice of His one and only Son and to live in His constant faithful love. There is nothing better than this.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh."

~2 Corinthians 4:7-11

Though the LORD has allowed me to suffer a time of depression, knowing He is sovereign, good and loves me, brings me comfort and peace in the midst of this chemically imbalanced storm. I don't know how all this will play out and what my heavenly Father's reasons are for allowing this trial, but I do know that I can trust Him; so the reason doesn't really matter—only the One doing the reasoning does.

Daily I struggle to just get out of bed...and stay out of bed. I struggle to go for my walks and do my physical therapy exercises. I struggle to make my bed and some days I don't. I just want everything to stop because it's all just too overwhelming. Even answering an email or going out in public to run errands or go to church alone. Everything is a struggle.

Decisions are my enemy and every minute seems to hold me captive to the emptiness of each day. And in the midst of this seeming hopelessness, God's word alone has been a lamp to my feet and a light to my path (Ps 119:105). No matter where I go or what I do, the LORD is there and His word upholds me, preserves me and endures me through it all (Ps 40:11).

My days are spent in constant battle. And thanks be to God it is on my knees in prayer. Constant communication with my Savior and constantly seeking His face is all that keeps me going...but really, isn't that all that should keep any of us going?

One of the things I'm learning in the gloom of depression is that we're not as humble of a people as we ought to be. We don't have faith like children. We have faith like grown adults who've gotten to big for our britches because we've deceived ourselves into believing all the knowledge we've gained over the years have made us something greater than what we really are (Romans 12:3); making us less dependent on God and more dependent on our personal experiences.

If we only live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord, than why do so many of us know so little of it? Why is God's word not hidden in our hearts like the treasure it is? Why is it not obviously manifested in our lives as it ought to be? Are we transformed by God's word or deformed by our prideful opinions?

If not for the greatest Treasure this world has known, Jesus Christ the Lord and His Spirit dwelling in me, I know my depression would make me its slave. But since I am already a slave of Christ; a slave of righteousness, I cannot be enslaved to another. My body, my mind, my soul...my total being has been purchased with the precious blood of the Lamb of God and I trust my Good Shepherd and cry to Him at all times for help. And He helps me...every time.

"Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
on those who hope in His steadfast love,
that He may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.

Our soul waits for the LORD;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart is glad in Him,
because we trust in his holy name.
Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us,
even as we hope in You."
~Psalm 33:18-22

If you're presently going through a trial and find that you don't have the same peace and comfort I have in the midst of pain, then please contact me as I'd love to share with you, the only truth that can set you free.

It can be, but not always. There's self-pity (which is a sin) that brings some to become depressed. There are times when we're wounded due to self-inflicted trauma (meaning, you've behaved in ungodly and immature ways and now you have to lie in the messy bed you've made [1 Peter 2:20, 3:9, 4:14-15]). And there are traumatic situations that occur in a person’s life that are totally out of their control which brings them to depression.

In order to find out whether or not it's a faith issue or a medical issue, you should visit with your Pastor and/or a wiser and older Christian as well as your physician to determine the cause (if possible) and the degree of your depression.

I've been depressed before in my life, mostly due to self-inflicted stress and trauma, mixed in with a large dose of self-pity. And this depression was a faith issue. How do I know? Well, because my eyes were focused on me and my life and how I thought everything should be. It’s clear I was involved in self-worship. Since I was in despair due to a sin issue, that’s what made my depression a faith issue rather than a medical one.

After my recent back surgery, I was put on heavy pain medications that I'd never been on before and for a longer time period than I’m accustomed to (two and a half months). I unknowingly got myself off of them too quickly and suffered from painful withdrawal symptoms; one of them being depression.

It's been nearly two weeks since I've completely been off of my pain medications and all the withdrawal symptoms have subsided to a manageable point...except the depression. After suffering from this depression for four weeks, I went to see my doctor.

Though it's still a bit humiliating to admit, I've been diagnosed as being clinically and severely depressed due to low serotonin and was put on Lexapro which is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor); a type of anti-depression medication.

I've only been on it for a week now and it takes three to four weeks for it to build up in my body, so I'm not noticing any relief from my depression yet.

But you know, God has blessed me with the most wonderful family and friends. My darling husband has been amazingly supportive, tender, understanding and proactive in helping me determine exactly what activities I "need" to do and not do. And in treating me so tenderly, through his actions, our sons have learned the same. My friends have lovingly and faithfully kept me in their prayers. They’ve come to visit me, brought me gifts that lift my soul, encourage me and do things that help relieve the heavy burden I perpetually feel.

Though I’m easily overwhelmed by most things, I’m grateful to God for His word, my family and friends that brings me so much joy and peace, even in the midst of my present darkness.

Twenty years ago today, the Lord chose to unite me and my beloved husband together in holy matrimony.

We were both young, naive about marriage and still a bit prideful and self-serving. Naturally our pride deceived us into believing otherwise.

The first several years of our marriage were rocky as we both tried to mold one another into our own image of what we thought a husband/wife looked like.

With one child, and conversations about divorce, we were nearly done. But God's plans are never thwarted.

Never.

The Lord decided that we would be married until death do us part and have two sons with whom He would also use for His glory. As we've learned, our marriage isn't about the two of us—it's about Christ.

Out of God's great mercy and compassion for the young fools we were, He granted us the wisdom we finally asked for and committed to love one another always second to Christ. We took divorce off the table and resolved to keep Christ as our First Love; to serve Him, to bring Him glory and please Him in every way with our marriage.

No longer seeing marriage as a way to feel "complete" or satisfy any self-fulfilling desires, we pressed on to love one another not because to make each other happy, but because God created our marriage to make us holy and conform us more and more into the image of Christ.

We've had many trials in our marriage. Trials with extended family. Trials with friends. Trials with our kids. And through it all, God made our marriage stronger and more firmer in Christ. With every wind of adversity, we hunkered down together to find our identity, our purpose, our lives, hid in Christ alone.

I strive to the be biblical, Proverbs 31 woman first to please my Lord, second to serve and honor my husband. My husband strives to live up to all that is written in God's word of what a man after His own heart looks like (Eph 5:25-31); and he does this well.

Though I still have a long way to go, the Lord has given us both the peace and love we need to press on together as we long to deepen our relationship with Christ as "one"—living only to please, honor and glorify the Son of God.

We are here to make much of Jesus. Not of ourselves.

May the LORD receive all praise and glory for the 20 years He's generously granted us and for whatever more He chooses to give us. May the name of the Lord forever be praised. Amen.

"Gracious is the LORD, and righteous;

our God is merciful.

The LORD preserves the simple;

when I was brought low, He saved me.

Return, O my soul, to your rest;

for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you."

Psalm 116:5-7

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