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Though it's an icky thought to have an electronic device (pacemaker) in my chest and two electrical wires (leads) in two chambers of my heart (right atrium and ventricle), I'm grateful to the LORD for providing this medical intervention that's making my heart beat as often as it should and gradually elevate as necessary, with activity.

I have a six week recovery that includes not being able to raise my left arm above my head, bear down on it, extend it back, etc. so as not to pull the leads out of my heart, which would require another surgery to put them back in. And for the first two weeks, I can't drive or do much of anything but rest, and possibly, some very light activity. Six weeks gives the tissue in my heart enough time to surround the leads and hold them in place. I never realized how many things I have to do that causes me to have to put my arms above my head (wash and brush my hair, getting dressed, reaching for a drinking glass, etc.), bear down on it (opening prescription meds, closing food lids) and extending it backward (to scratch an itch, to wash, get dressed, etc). This has caused severe pain in my right shoulder and arm due to overuse. So, I'll have to get this figured out too...perhaps...I just need to rest more.

Pain in the Flesh

I misread my care instructions and began some "normal" daily activity the day I got home from the hospital (e.g., unload the dishwasher, try to write this update). It turns out, I was supposed to pretty much do nothing but rest the first three days, and possibly have some very light activity for the next two weeks. Due to being overly zealous after my surgery, the past few days have been rough. I've had severe heaviness in my chest (where my sternum and heart are) so that it's difficult and very painful to catch a full breath. I've also had extreme pain in my shoulders, neck and upper back; so much so, I needed to take a pain med (Tramadol). I don't like pain meds due to the constipation and other side effects it causes. But thankfully, my Father God has brought me through many excruciating trials throughout my life that though my body has a low pain tolerance, I have a high pain threshold. This gift from the Lord made it possible for me to only have to take one pain med the first day home and I've been able to manage these other days with Tylenol here and there. God always knows what's ahead and provides us with what we need...when we need it.

In a couple of weeks I'll have my first post-op visit with my Cardiac Electrophysiologist (CE) and the rep from St. Jude's Medical (where my pacemaker is from) to make sure the personal settings they made for my pacemaker are working well for me, and to review the readings from my pacemaker to decide if, in conjunction with my pacemaker, I'll need heart meds to control my episodes of SVTs (supraventricular tachycardia), PACs (premature atrial contractions) and PVCs (premature ventricular contractions) caused by my heart arrhythmia: sick sinus syndrome. Both my Cardiologist and CE diagnosed me with sick sinus syndrome from the readings of my 14-day heart monitor. From this report, they discovered that I was having more bouts of bradycardia than the other arrhythmias (which was causing my lightheadedness, dizziness and near fainting spells). The pacemaker only controls my bradycardia, so my prayer is that the LORD isn't allowing enough of those other arrhythmias to occur so that medication is not needed to control them. But again, I am the Lord's handmaiden, let all things be done to me as He pleases. I know that whatever God wills is better than whatever I will.

Joy in the Lord

In the hopes that I might daily use and not waste the spiritual gifts God has given me, one of my constant prayers is Romans 1:11-12, "For I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you—that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith, both yours and mine." because I never know when I'll be with a fellow believer. One of the unique joys of being a child of the Most High God is the blessing of unpretentious, altruistic and beautiful fellowship with other saints in Christ Jesus, everywhere I go (1 Pet 1:22).

I had my hospital tract bag filled with books, DVDs, CDs and tracts so that I would be ready to exhort saints to press on and share the Gospel with the lost.

Right from the beginning, I was able to encourage and be encouraged by the faith of my phlebotomist and nurse who did the pre-surgery prep work for me. They shared personal details and concerns about their lives and the Lord allowed me to share His Word with them as only He knew they needed at that moment (Eph 4:29, another one of my constant prayers). My precious nurse had been a missionary in Tanzania for six years and has only been back in the U.S. for the past year. We discussed much about how every Christian is called to be a missionary—to share the Gospel, no matter where God puts us, in Tanzania, here in our country, as a nurse or as a patient. I gave her "God Has a Wonderful Plan For Your Life" (by Ray Comfort) to encourage her. We exchanged contact info and we're already planning on our next fellowship together! She told me she's enjoying the book and Ray's message regarding evangelism. It's such an incredible blessing to know that in Christ, I have the riches of His kingdom that I may freely and generously share with others.

Neither where we live for a time nor what position God grants us for a time, should be wasted. All that we are, wherever we are and whatever we do, we ought to do for God's pleasure and glory alone; for this is our strength and joy—our joy in the Lord (1 Jn 5:3)!

My Father God also blessed me with the joy of meeting a brother in Christ, my anesthesiologist. We shared how we're mutually inspired to share the the saving Gospel of Jesus Christ and how we both love and appreciate all the witnessing tools and resources Ray makes available through his ministry, Living Waters Publications. He told me how encouraged he's been by our brother Ray's ministry and asked me to relay a message of great thanks to Ray for his faithfulness and love for Christ and all those He came to save. So my Romans 1:11-12 prayer extended all the way to California and I was glad for it!

My anesthesiologist and I chatted about our mutual love and faith in Christ all the way up to the point of him putting me to sleep. As I began to fall asleep, I prayed that the Lord would help me (as He's done before) to share the Gospel, whether or not I'm fully conscience. Because I'm never completely lucid while in the recovery room, I can't recall all that I said and did, but I do recall asking those around me (I don't know how many were there because my eyes were still closed, but I heard multiple voices), "Do you know Jesus Christ?" There were varied responses and I don't remember if I got to share the entire Gospel, but I do recall saying, "You must repent and believe...there's nothing more important than your eternal salvation." I also remember repeating that multiple times and I'm not sure if I was talking to the same person/people. But I was grateful that the LORD granted me my request and I pray that the seed He gave me to sow was on the soft and tendered hearts that He's prepared to receive and believe the Gospel.

"This message [the Gospel] is not supposed to make us tame and comfortable. Christ crucified and raised for our justification is intended to unleash us, embolden us, and put us to work. Christianity is much more about serious adventure than sentimentalized safety. It is much more about faith in suffering than ease in prosperity. It is much more about death—death to sin and self—than it is about personal affirmation and precious moments."
-Dr. Owen Strachan, Tabletalk Magazine, August 2015 issue

Sadly today, we have too many "Christian Picnickers" and too few "Christian Runners". Our lives are but a mist and none of us are guaranteed our next breath. Just because I'm so obviously ill doesn't mean I will die before you will. No one takes one breath more or one breath less than God has ordained before the foundation of the world (Ps 139:16). And we ought not take that truth lightly or forget it altogether. Rather, we ought to embrace all that God has spoken to us through His Word and make the most of every moment we have for the glory and pleasure of our Savior, instead of indulging ourselves with personal affirmations and self-centered desires and fears.

My prayer is that God uses everything...everything that He's given me: my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, my time, my money, my talents, my spiritual gifts, my social media platforms, my writings, my errands, my broken body, and every conversation, to be something that's beautiful in His sight (Mk 14:6). And I pray this for everyone who claims Christ as their Savior; that we would all hunger and thirst for righteousness, and like our Father God, that our hearts would be filled with compassion for the lost. Don't waste another breath. Don't waste another vacation, errand, telemarketing call, etc. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and generously give others what you profess you're grateful for—Christ, given to you by God, as a propitiation for your sins, so that you may have eternal life in His Son.


"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:26, ESV

Psalm 73:25 says, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you." Both verses 25 and 26 resonate the song of my literal and figurative heart; for God alone makes my physical heart beat, and He alone made my figurative heart alive in Christ. Without the LORD I wouldn't have physical or spiritual life...and neither would anyone else.

This past Friday, my Cardiac Electrophysiologist confirmed that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome (SSS). What this means is that my heart can no longer keep a steady rhythm because it's "sick".

The short version is that my natural pacemaker (sinus node) is no longer functioning properly so I have bradycardia (heart rate under 60 bpm) which causes me to be very lightheaded, dizzy and weak due to the lack of blood flow to my brain and other parts of my body. I also have moments of tachycardia (heart rate greater than 100 bpm) and ectopic heartbeats (extra heartbeats) from both the atrial and ventricular areas of my heart. Therefore, the only treatment for SSS is a pacemaker to keep my heart rate as high as it needs to be and heart medications to lower my heart rate for when I have bouts of tachycardia.

Finding out at age 46 that I need an artificial pacemaker because my natural pacemaker is "sick" is hard news to accept. Due to my pride, I didn't want to get a pacemaker. I figured with all that the Lord has faithfully endured me through (13 years of brutal persecution; two suicide attempts; raped by a co-worker at age 17; stalked for six years by a neighbor; nearly died giving birth to my firstborn; four hospital admits; grand mal seizure; multiple procedures; countless tests; muscle and liver biopsies; five endoscopies and colonoscopies; sepsis due to gallbladder eruption and emergency surgery to remove it; partial hysterectomy; back and neck surgeries that included 5 artificial disc placements, 16 titanium screws, two titanium rods and one titanium plate; two kidney stone surgeries, oral arthrocentesis, etc.) I could endure this without medical intervention.

Though my body has a low pain tolerance, my Father God has given me a high pain threshold so I know I'm able to endure much pain and discomfort. Knowing this, I decided being lightheaded, dizzy, nauseous (due to the dizziness) and constant fatigue would be my new normal and I was content with that until...until I considered that I could pass out or go into cardiac arrest while driving and injure or kill other people. Though my eternity is secure, I can't be sure that the eternity of a person I might injure or kill is secure and I can't allow my pride to be so thoughtless and reckless with the lives of others around me.

This journey has been a bit of an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. Though I didn't want an artificial pacemaker at age 46, I prayed for God to give wisdom to my doctors and to use them to speak His direction to me regarding my heart condition and treatment. So when I went to my appointment on Friday, I was ready to accept whatever my doctor said. Though I wasn't happy with the news, I was thankful for God's faithfulness and I readily accepted having an artificial pacemaker implanted. Then my doctor's scheduler called yesterday saying his first availability would be a month from now. I was discouraged because I finally came to terms that getting a pacemaker was God's will, and began looking forward to being healed of this infirmity, and now, I had to remain in my condition for another month. But when the Holy Spirit reminded me of the sermon this past Sunday, I was resolved to submit everything and anything to my Father's will. I realized it's the Lord that's doing all the scheduling in my life, whether for this surgery or an outing with friends. So I prayed, and once again, relinquished my will and desire for quick relief for my Father's perfect timing.

Today, as I entered my oral surgeon's office for my one month post-op appointment, I received a call from my Cardiac Electrophysiologist's office saying there was a cancellation for tomorrow and asked if I would be available at such short notice. Of course I said YES! Then I immediately thanked my Father God for His immense mercy and kindness toward me.

When this day began, I continued to pray and ask my Father to help me die to self and live as Christ—in loving submission and obedience to the Father's good and perfect will. I prayed continually, asking Jesus to help me as He promised He would whenever the weakness of my flesh tempts me to sin and seek immediate relief from my trials (Heb 4:15-16). As I prayed early this morning and throughout the day, I listened to "He's Always Been Faithful" by Chelsea Moon and Uncle Daddy. I reminded my heart of my Father's steadfast love and faithfulness to me all the days of my life (Ps 40:11). And though my physical heart is still sick and makes me feel quite weak and ill, my figurative heart—my soul that's been washed by the blood of Jesus Christ, united with Him for all eternity, is greatly comforted and filled with awestruck gratitude.

Below are the lyrics to this blessed song that God used today to fill my heart with joy and thanksgiving, in spite of my physical weakness.


"He's Always Been Faithful"

"Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God's hand in mine
Season by season, I watch Him amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

"I can't remember one single regret
In serving God only and trusting His hand
I can't remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
All I have need of His hand will provide
He's always been faithful to me

"This is my anthem, and this is my song
The theme of the stories
I've heard for so long
God has been faithful; He will be again
His loving compassion—it knows no end
And all I have need of, His hand will provide

"He's always been faithful
He's always been faithful

"Great is thy faithfulness, O God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be."

I pray that no matter what circumstance you find yourself in today, that you will speak God's truth to your heart rather than listen to the lies of your flesh or the lies of our enemy, Satan. Remember who God is, for the reality of our Father's character will vanquish every lie, every fear and will prove, as always, that God is greater than any pain we'll ever suffer.

Rather than worry...worship.
If God meant my salvation to be solely for the purpose of me knowing Him, fellowshiping with Him and fellow saints in spirit and in truth, then why am I still here? Because really, I can do all these things in Heaven. If these things were God's sole purpose, then God, who wastes nothing, would have let me die and called me to glory right after He gave me eternal life in Jesus Christ.

But He didn't. Why?

Because God's sole purpose in saving me wasn't just so I could go to church, remain in a Christian bubble and enjoy fellowship with Him and other believers. God's purpose in saving me and leaving me here on earth was so I could be salt and light to the world—an ambassador of Christ—holding fast to the Word of life in a crooked and perverse generation (Mt 5:13-16, Php 2:14-16).

"I love the LORD, because he has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because he has inclined his ear to me, therefore I will call on him as long as I live...Gracious is the LORD, and righteous; our God is merciful. The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Return, O my soul, to your rest; for the LORD has dealt bountifully with you.
-Psalm 116:1-2; 5-7, ESV

My Father God has mercifully and abundantly given me the treasures of Heaven through the abiding life of Jesus Christ within me. To have Christ is to have everything. There is nothing greater in this life or the next. To know Christ as my Savior, to be claimed by Him as His own, to be loved perfectly in His holiness and righteousness, to be established as a child of the Most High God—provides the most infinite pleasures of being alive.

Because I have the greatest of all treasures (Jesus Christ) in this jar of clay (my body), though I might feel deep sorrow for the sad news I received this past Wednesday about my heart, I am not left to wallow in the cavernous pit of self, but I am given the great privilege to cry out to my Father and my God in the midst of my affliction. And as Christ did for His disciples when He walked this earth, He still does for us today...He immediately lifts us from sinking in our circumstances (Mt 14:29-31) and fixes our eyes back on Him...where they belong. So when I was told a few days ago that I have an uncommon heart arrhythmia called sick sinus syndrome on top of all my other ailments, and needed a pacemaker, I was disheartened that my tent (my body) continues to rapidly fall apart. But when I cried out the my Father God, as He promised, His Holy Spirit brought to mind all that Jesus has already taught me through His Word, and I was strengthened.

"For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened—not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.

"So we are always of good courage. We know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord, for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him. For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."
-2 Corinthians 5:1-12, ESV (emphasis mine)

It seems I have many "uncommon" or rare diseases and conditions that constantly put me in the peculiar position of sharing with medical staff and others, why I believe the Lord has allowed these painful health issues to infiltrate my life. For example, when my Cardiologist confirmed what my Cardiac Electrophysiologist already told me the week prior (but I didn't want to believe him), that I needed a pacemaker, he said, "The reason why you need your arrhythmia treated with a pacemaker and possibly with a beta-blocker as well, is because you don't want to be driving down the highway at 65 mph and pass out, or go into cardiac arrest." I said, "Yes, that occurred to me after I had to swallow my pride about not wanting a pacemaker and get back on heart meds at age 46. But when I considered the possibility that my pride might cause injury or death to someone else, I was ready to receive whatever you were going to say I needed. I trust the Lord to speak through you." He quickly responded, "Well, you don't want to injure yourself either. I mean, you want to see 47, don't you?" I smiled and said nothing because I had already explained to him before that no matter what trials come in this life, including one that may take my life, Christ is always with me so I'm not concerned for myself, but for those who may not know Him.

I'm in a win-win situation; others may not be.

When I wonder why I am still here and why I can't go Home yet, rather than remain in my whining state, I speak the words of God to myself; some that I've shared here, and many others I've shared elsewhere. And when I turn away from looking at myself and my circumstances and lift my eyes to the hills where my help comes from—from the Maker of heaven and earth, I am where my soul most delights to be...at the feet of Jesus.

"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God."
-2 Corinthians 7:1, ESV
It's been a while since I've shared anything about my physical health (my last post was in November 2014). Perhaps you thought the Lord healed me from my serious health afflictions...but He hasn't...yet. And that's okay with me.

I'm now entering my 11th year of constant and often debilitating pain, extreme fatigue, seven surgeries in seven years (my most recent was a few weeks ago). I'm also still adding new specialists to my already large repertoire (an Endocrinologist, Cardiac Electrophysiologist, Oral and Maxillofacial Surgeon, and more). In addition to all this, it looks as if I'm going to need at least one more, and possibly two surgeries this year (one for my hyperparathyroidism and the other for a cardiac pacemaker).

The reason it's been so long since I've shared anything about my continually declining health, is because I've wrongly concluded that it's better for me to encourage you rather than burden you with my seemingly, never-ending litany of trials. But when I was discussing this issue with my oldest son earlier today, I realized how wrong I've been not to share more about my weaknesses; because how then, can anyone see Christ's power manifested perfectly in me (2 Cor 12:9-10)?

Though our Father God has graciously allowed me to keep my heart and mind focused on the things eternal rather than on the things temporal—like my physical health, it's wrong of me not to share the pains of this journey with you. So please forgive me.

I want so much for you to be strengthened in your faith, to keep your sights vertical rather than horizontal, that I've neglected to show you how to do that when you're in the trenches...in the heat of the battle between your flesh's desire and your renewed desire to please and honor the Lord.

"Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin, so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God. For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry. With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead. For this is why the gospel was preached even to those who are dead, that though judged in the flesh the way people are, they might live in the spirit the way God does."
-1 Peter 4:1-6, ESV

Because the focus of what I do is not for physical results (comfort and healing), my hope is not deferred and my fervor is not exhausted. Part of my daily regime is to eat healthy, exercise five to six days a week (though it's painful and makes me very ill), drink about 72 ounces of water plus juice daily, and do more than my doctors ask. I don't practice these disciplines because I love my body and want nothing more than to be healed, I do them because I love Christ and know my body belongs to Him, and not me (Gal 2:20).

Some people wrongly assume because I'm so disciplined, it means I'm not tempted by my sinful flesh to gratify it, rather than honor Christ. But I am often tempted and sometimes give into my temptations to be lazy and do nothing; to be mediocre, rather than do all things with excellence as unto the Lord. I'm constantly tempted by my flesh to be so self-absorbed, that at times, I more resemble a black-hole, than a light to the world.

I could use God's grace as an excuse to remain enslaved to my fleshly desires (saying, "I'm only human", "God's not finished with me yet" or "I'm a work in progress"), or I could avail the great and wonderfully freeing gift from God given only to Christians—repentance. My confidence in my Father's forgiveness endows me with spiritual strength to persevere; to run my course and to finish well with urgency, rather than be satisfied with complacency (1 Jn 1:9, Rom 5:1-5).

Sadly, this is not the same experience all professing Christians know and understand. Some who profess Christ as their Lord and Savior live like they're their own lord and savior. They praise Jesus when things go well. And they may even praise Jesus and express trust when trials come their way. But when God's refining fire tests their faith over an extended period of time, their false profession and fruitless deeds are consumed by God's holiness (1 Cor 13:5). As Jesus says, there are those who hear the Gospel and joyfully receive it, but once painful trials come their way, they turn away from the Word rather than turn to it (Lk 8:13).

Those who do not truly know God only "love" Him when they think they can get something by claiming association with Him; including false piety. But when the show of false piety during difficult times gets old, their quick and easy profession of trust in Jesus, just as quickly, produces self-righteous demands, even arrogantly accusing God of not keeping His promises.

Throughout Scripture, we see how our gracious and merciful Father God uses even the fall of man that brought sin and suffering to this world, as a tool to reveal to us where we truly stand with Him: still in our self-righteous sin, or justified by the righteous works of Christ (Gen 3:24, Rom 5:16).

Those who are truly saved will never turn away from God or accuse Him of wrongdoing. Rather, they will turn all the more to Him, crying out to Him night and day, seeking to repent of any sins that are obvious or oblivious to them; begging God to help them see Him clearly and love Him more dearly. Those who abide in Christ will hunger and thirst for righteousness and look to the LORD for help rather than try to seek comfort from unbelievers who can only provide temporal remedies for our physical bodies, but can offer no real comfort for our eternal souls.

I don't remain true to God because I'm holier than others. I remain true to God because I'm keenly aware of the wretch that I am; the utter depravity of my sinful heart and mind, and my growing ineptness to do anything worthy of being called good by the only One who is good. Because I'm so desperately insecure in myself and often terrified of what others think of me or might say or do to me, I cling to Christ all the more and desire to remain hid in Him because He is my Strong Tower—the only place I can be me and feel completely safe, compassionately accepted, perfectly loved, and profoundly secure.

My faith and the life I live are not strong because of me. My faith and life are strong because of the One who holds and owns them both—Jesus Christ the Lord (Gal 2:20).

As I continue to struggle physically and spiritually—to live a life that most pleases, honors and glorifies the Lord, I often grow weary of the fight and am tempted to give up. But when I cry out to the LORD, He lifts me from my miry pit and sets my feet on solid ground (Mt 11:28-30, Ps 40:1-3). If you do the same, you will receive same because I don't have any more of Jesus than you do (Gen 4:6-7). As Burk Parsons wisely said,"We don't need more of Jesus, just less of self. We already have all of Jesus."

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us. but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness! Why should the nations say, 'Where is your God?' Our God is in the heavens; he does all that he pleases.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."
-Psalm 115:1-3; 121:1-2, ESV
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