As a matter of fact...

...I am not praying for my physical healing. And am not at all curious about what ails me.


You see, I just don’t see the point. As many of you know, the Lord has been so gracious to me all my life and has allowed me to suffer physically (13 years of violent physical, emotional and mental abuse) along with a host of other ailments. I’ve never really been a very healthy person. As a matter of fact, I’ve always been quite sickly and have had numerous serious illnesses and have been hospitalized, being near to death with other diseases since I was 20 years old. It seems I’ve never had a very strong immune system; so viruses and such that most people either don’t know they have or will recover on their own, well…they usually put me in the hospital. So none of this is very new to me.

Because of all this, honestly, I’m tired. I really am. I’m tired in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually and I just really want to go Home. I know this place (earth) is not my Home and I’ve never looked at it as a place where I want to lengthen my stay.

I know this might seem odd, as I am a wife and mother and I know most people don’t want to leave their spouses or children, but I am willing. I know most people want to stay around and see their children grow up, get married and see their grandchildren and enjoy them. Although all these things are nice, they are not necessary to me and is not a great desire. Should the Lord choose to bless me with such, I am eternally grateful. But if the Lord chooses to take me Home before I experience any of these things, I am also eternally grateful and completely satisfied.

I didn’t grow up like most of you and probably not like most people you know. I grew up alone, scared and always only have God as my source of….well, everything. I’ve never loved anyone or anything more than I love God and I’ve never had any attachments that are greater than the one I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, unlike many people, I don’t actually pray for my healing on this side of Heaven, as I don’t weep or hunger to stay here in this body any longer than is necessary.

I understand that much of what I just shared may not sound “normal”, but I’m sure I’ve never been accused of being normal. :-) I am also sure, some of this might sound morbid, but I assure you, it is not. I am not depressed and am not sitting here, hoping that I die. What I am saying is the same thing Asaph expressed in Psalm 73:25-26,

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I will continue to actively seek the wisdom and counsel from God my Father and all the physicians He’s placed in my life for my care and health. I will continue to rejoice in anything God my Father chooses for me, whether it be healing and restoration on this side of Heaven or not. Therefore, I have chosen to see going to the Mayo Clinic as a mission trip, as that is more meaningful to me, rather than for personal healing. Like I said, physical suffering is neither new to me, nor a big deal. Eternal things have always been a bigger deal to me and is what consumes me….God’s ministry of reconciliation.

This is the major reason why I have not wanted to go to the Mayo Clinic and have made so light of it. I don’t think that my physical healing is a big enough of a reason for all the trouble of going to the Mayo Clinic. But for the sake of the Gospel? For the sake of exhorting, bringing the comfort and peace of Christ to the lost and to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who also may be suffering? Yes, for the sake of both, I will joyfully go. These reasons are enough: for the Gospel, for the encouragement of the saints, and for my precious and beautiful family whom the Lord has blessed me with beyond measure. Even if it were just for the comfort of my husband and children, and my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, yes it is enough for me. For God has given them to me as precious gifts, which I am and will be eternally grateful for.

The Lord Jesus went to Jerusalem (Luke 18:31-33), not because it was going to make Him feel good. But He went for our sakes, for our salvation and for our deliverance. Jesus never took His focus off His Father’s plans. He never allowed anything or anyone here on earth to deter Him or even cause Him to delay in fulfilling His Father’s will. I believe that’s what it means to have our lives completely hid in Christ. To have our personal desires be dead and only alive in the desires and complete will of God our Father.

Thank you again for all your prayers for me and for my family. I would like to ask you all to please pray in agreement with me that God will open many doors while I am in MN to preach the Gospel and even encourage tired saints who are suffering. Perhaps I may be used to exhort fellow brothers and sisters to stay the course until the Lord calls them Home. And please pray especially for my darling husband. I can’t imagine how difficult all this has been for him. Just thinking of his suffering in all this, breaks my heart and encourages me all the more to go joyfully to the Mayo Clinic – for my darling husband’s peace and comfort.