As a matter of fact...

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August 3, 2009

As a matter of fact...

...I am not praying for my physical healing. And am not at all curious about what ails me.


You see, I just don’t see the point. As many of you know, the Lord has been so gracious to me all my life and has allowed me to suffer physically (13 years of violent physical, emotional and mental abuse) along with a host of other ailments. I’ve never really been a very healthy person. As a matter of fact, I’ve always been quite sickly and have had numerous serious illnesses and have been hospitalized, being near to death with other diseases since I was 20 years old. It seems I’ve never had a very strong immune system; so viruses and such that most people either don’t know they have or will recover on their own, well…they usually put me in the hospital. So none of this is very new to me.

Because of all this, honestly, I’m tired. I really am. I’m tired in every way, physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually and I just really want to go Home. I know this place (earth) is not my Home and I’ve never looked at it as a place where I want to lengthen my stay.

I know this might seem odd, as I am a wife and mother and I know most people don’t want to leave their spouses or children, but I am willing. I know most people want to stay around and see their children grow up, get married and see their grandchildren and enjoy them. Although all these things are nice, they are not necessary to me and is not a great desire. Should the Lord choose to bless me with such, I am eternally grateful. But if the Lord chooses to take me Home before I experience any of these things, I am also eternally grateful and completely satisfied.

I didn’t grow up like most of you and probably not like most people you know. I grew up alone, scared and always only have God as my source of….well, everything. I’ve never loved anyone or anything more than I love God and I’ve never had any attachments that are greater than the one I have with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. So, unlike many people, I don’t actually pray for my healing on this side of Heaven, as I don’t weep or hunger to stay here in this body any longer than is necessary.

I understand that much of what I just shared may not sound “normal”, but I’m sure I’ve never been accused of being normal. :-) I am also sure, some of this might sound morbid, but I assure you, it is not. I am not depressed and am not sitting here, hoping that I die. What I am saying is the same thing Asaph expressed in Psalm 73:25-26,

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

I will continue to actively seek the wisdom and counsel from God my Father and all the physicians He’s placed in my life for my care and health. I will continue to rejoice in anything God my Father chooses for me, whether it be healing and restoration on this side of Heaven or not. Therefore, I have chosen to see going to the Mayo Clinic as a mission trip, as that is more meaningful to me, rather than for personal healing. Like I said, physical suffering is neither new to me, nor a big deal. Eternal things have always been a bigger deal to me and is what consumes me….God’s ministry of reconciliation.

This is the major reason why I have not wanted to go to the Mayo Clinic and have made so light of it. I don’t think that my physical healing is a big enough of a reason for all the trouble of going to the Mayo Clinic. But for the sake of the Gospel? For the sake of exhorting, bringing the comfort and peace of Christ to the lost and to fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who also may be suffering? Yes, for the sake of both, I will joyfully go. These reasons are enough: for the Gospel, for the encouragement of the saints, and for my precious and beautiful family whom the Lord has blessed me with beyond measure. Even if it were just for the comfort of my husband and children, and my dear brothers and sisters in Christ, yes it is enough for me. For God has given them to me as precious gifts, which I am and will be eternally grateful for.

The Lord Jesus went to Jerusalem (Luke 18:31-33), not because it was going to make Him feel good. But He went for our sakes, for our salvation and for our deliverance. Jesus never took His focus off His Father’s plans. He never allowed anything or anyone here on earth to deter Him or even cause Him to delay in fulfilling His Father’s will. I believe that’s what it means to have our lives completely hid in Christ. To have our personal desires be dead and only alive in the desires and complete will of God our Father.

Thank you again for all your prayers for me and for my family. I would like to ask you all to please pray in agreement with me that God will open many doors while I am in MN to preach the Gospel and even encourage tired saints who are suffering. Perhaps I may be used to exhort fellow brothers and sisters to stay the course until the Lord calls them Home. And please pray especially for my darling husband. I can’t imagine how difficult all this has been for him. Just thinking of his suffering in all this, breaks my heart and encourages me all the more to go joyfully to the Mayo Clinic – for my darling husband’s peace and comfort.


  1. During my mom's last days, I told her that it was okay to go Home...She looked at me and laughed. She saidn, "Honey, I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to. I want to be with Jesus." So, I get what you are saying.

    When do you leave for Mayo??

  2. Oh, thanks so much Amy! It's so comforting to know someone "gets it" with me. :-) I know I'm a bit of an oddball, so I say a lot of strange things sometimes. :-)

    I'm leaving on this Sunday the 9th. since my first appt. is first thing Monday a.m.

    Thanks so much for asking and for praying. :-)

    Love you sweet sis!♥

  3. Sunny, you are my hero. I want be like you, to be so close to the Lord, that I only see things through His eyes. If I never meet you this side of heaven, I can't wait to meet you there. (((hugs)))


  4. This is the most honest and heartfelt post I've read in a long time my friend.
    I can relate at a different level as when I look at the condition of this world, I just want to go home. It's so overwhelming at times and I know that in our eternal home there will be no more stress, sorrow, pain, tears, stress, yes I said that twice! I think you are more in your right mind then you may think my friend. Who wouldn't want to go to a place that is PERFECT!!
    But I do pray that we all get to go together and meet Him in the air! Oh what a glorious day that will be.
    LOve you sweet sister.

  5. You know I've seen chronic illness up close and personal. I will pray as you wish, but as the Spirit leads me as well. I love your perspective, and I hope to see you before you leave for Mayo.

  6. WOW your blog just has me crying, crying, crying this early AM!!!! and I am encouraged in a weird way~I hope it does not make light of your trials and thoughts here. I am expecting sweet blessing #5 and have grown more and more fearful of the pain and HARD WORK of labor with each pregnancy. I KNOW that labor will pale in comparison to what Christ suffered for me, and somehow your suffering is helping me to buck up *just a little bit*.

    Still, I would take it away from you if I could, only because I don't like to learn of anyone in pain! but YES! God could certainly take better care of my family than I ever could should He call me home.... (((((HUGS))))) sandi~I know my thought flows are weird~so sorry for that. I can't help it! Somehow it all fits together in my head!

  7. Someday I hope to have an attitude like yours and like the apostle Paul.

    He couldn't decide where he wanted to be more, heaven or here.

  8. During my mom's last days, I told her that it was okay to go Home...She looked at me and laughed. She saidn, "Honey, I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to. I want to be with Jesus." So, I get what you are saying.

    When do you leave for Mayo??


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