As many of you know, I daily face many serious and painful health challenges. To quote one of my 12 specialists, I have a very "eventful medical history".

And the events continue.

In February of this year,my stellar Optometrist, Dr. Jeff Thomas, found a tiny spot near the macula of my left eye and some bleeding in my back of my right eye. But nothing to be too concerned with at the time.

This past week, my vision began to decrease daily; especially in my left eye. I didn't tell my darling husband Jim until yesterday, because he always makes me call a doctor. The only reason I told him at all, was because my sight has become so hindered in just the past few days, I was sure he would notice. So, to stay out of trouble, I shared it with him as merely an FYI situation. So if he notices that I can't see something, then he'll have a heads up. The end.

Unfortunately, my darling Jim mistook my simple FYI for a, "Should I call the doctor?" Long story short, per my husband's direction, I called my Dr. Thomas' office only to obey my husband and give them an update. I knew that they were only seeing emergency cases, and was sure this would not fall under that category. So though I felt this call unnecessary, I did as my darling husband asked.

The options Dr. Thomas' office is kindly offering patients is: phone triage, update to her manager and/or Dr. Thomas to let them determine if we can simply do a triage phone call, tele-visit, or in-person visit.

After Dr. Thomas called me yesterday, he determined that I needed to be seen in person for further testing. And he made an appointment to be seen earlier this morning.

We found out that since February, the teeny tiny spot near my macula in my left eye has grown quite a bit in a short amount of time. I now have two cysts that are causing swelling near my macula—cystoid macular edema (CME). And a little thinning of my retinal matter in my right eye. This explains why my eyesight is very blurry, colors are dull, and I have some blind spots in my vision.

And here I thought it was all just hormonal imbalance. Of course, I initially blame all my declining health issues on hormonal imbalance. And so far, I'm batting a thousand (obviously, I jest).

After his findings, Dr. Thomas informed me that I'd have to see a Retina Specialist. But the Ophthalmologist that's at the top of his list is difficult to get into. He said that he'd try to get me in within the next two or three weeks. Shortly after I arrived home, Dr. Thomas' office called me and informed me that I have an appointment with the Retina Specialist, tomorrow, at noon.

So here we go again.

Surprisingly, though I am not looking forward to add to my already "eventful medical history", I'm not at all afraid or the least bit anxious. The first thought that came to mind was, "Should I lose my eyesight, these eyes can still see the LORD." And having that thought be the first thing to pop into my mind, was planted there by my God and Father, to set my feet on solid ground, making my steps secure; regardless of how well I can see the physical steps I take.

No matter how well I can or cannot see with these temporal and physical eyes, it has no adverse effect on how well I can or cannot see my LORD. For my God is always with me, and what He sees and perceives, is what I get to see and perceive, in Christ Jesus my Lord.

My life is not determined by anything in this world. I am not limited by any physical space or  time. I am free in Christ, to live exactly as He has ordained for me to live—in His good and perfect will.

For those of you who are led by the Holy Spirit to pray for me. Please follow His leading and not your own. Please pray as our Lord Jesus taught us to pray, for God's will and not our will. And what is His will for this? It's the same as He said in John 9:3, and so many other passages of Scripture that speak of the glory, honor, and exaltation of God and His gracious and merciful Gospel of peace. So, in that vein, please pray for me to have the courageous and loving compassion of Christ, to "see" people the way He sees them: lost or found. And pray that in so doing, that I may seek to do good to others, rather than seek comfort or any good for myself. For I already have more than I need through the glorious and inexplicable riches of Christ Jesus.

(If you're wondering, yes, this was very difficult to type. So if you see typos or strange sentence structure, that is why. And if you don't see any errors, thanks be to God!)

During the 17th century, Samuel Rutherford (Scottish preacher and author) penned 365 letters to those who were in need of godly counsel, based on the Word of God. In the  Letters of Samuel Rutherford  we find his sixth letter to Lady Kenmure (Anwoth. November 26, 1631; letter XIX in this publication) to provide her with further: "Encouragement to abound in faith from the prospect of glory—Christ's unchangeableness." He encourages her to, "Be content to wade through the waters betwixt you and glory with him [Christ Jesus], holding his hand fast; for he knoweth all the fords. Howbeit ye may be ducked, yet ye cannot drown, being in his company."

After reading this particular wisdom from this faithful saint of old, the Holy Spirit graciously brought to mind, something the Lord Jesus taught me long ago...

"On that day, when evening had come, He [Jesus] said to them, 'Let us go across to the other side'...And a great windstorm arose, and the waves were breaking into the boat, so that the boat was already filling. But He was in the stern, asleep on the cushion. And they woke Him and said to Him, 'Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?' And He awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, 'Peace! Be still!' And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. He said to them, 'Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?' "

~Mark 4:35, 37-40, ESV

Though it's been more than 30 years since I first read this passage, I still marvel at how little has changed from 2,000 years ago with the apostles of Christ,  and we, disciples of the Lord, today.

And as I marvel, the Holy Spirit brings me to yet another verse to hearken my mind and heart even more to the living Word of God—"For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." (Romans 15:4, ESV)

Here's a sampling of two lessons I've learned from this passage:

1. Jesus said, they were getting into the boat, because they were going to the other side of the sea. He didn't say, "Let's see if we can make it to the other side." He said they would.
2. Jesus is God. And God doesn't sink.

Had the apostles remembered these truths they were already, faithfully taught by Christ, rather than defer to pragmatism (testing all things by their own finite knowledge and understanding), they would've practiced faith. They would've refrained from the futile efforts of trying to save themselves, and looked to Jesus, who was in the boat with them—taking a nap—in the midst of the howling winds, threatening waves; in a boat with rising water, yet, remaining afloat.

It may have not looked like a good place or time for napping. But if Christ, their Master and Lord was... then obviously, it was good (cf. Prov 3:5-8).

Let us heed the wisdom recorded in Romans 15:4. And let us, in every circumstance, remember the two things the apostles forgot: Whatever God says is true, and God doesn't sink. And if/when we forget these two truths, just as the apostles who had Jesus with them (just as we do too), then let us be quick to repent of our faithlessness, rather than harp on our unpleasant and/or frightful circumstances. When we repent of taking our eyes off of Jesus, we will immediately feel the weight of sinking flee from us, as our Lord steadily and powerfully leads us through...to the other side.

When our peace and hope are securely in the Person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ, we possess, "the rare jewel of Christian contentment" in every circumstance.

"III. A Christian comes to contentment, not so much by getting rid of the burden that is on him, as by adding another burden to himself...You think there is no way in the world to contentment, but, O that this burden were but off! O it is a heavy load, and few know what a burden I have. What, do you think that there is no way for the contentment of your spirit, but to get rid of your burden?...But you are deceived; for if you can get your heart to be more burdened with your sin, you will be less burdened with your afflictions.

"[I]f you so fall to bemoaning your sin before the Lord, you shall quickly find the burden of your affliction to be lighter than it was before. Do but try this piece of skill and art, to get your souls contented with any low circumstance that God puts you in."

~Burroughs, Jeremiah.
The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment. 1964.

The Banner of Truth Trust, 2018, pp.47-48

I know it sounds a bit strange to say that I’m grateful I grieve. But when I add the words, “when God grieves”, then, for any beloved child of God Most High, it doesn’t sound strange at all. Rather, it demonstrates the power of the Holy Spirit in us; that renews our minds and transforms our hearts to think how God thinks, and to feel what He feels, and do what He does; the way He does it—in His steadfast love, righteousness, and justice (Jer 9:23-24).

One of the sins that us Christians rarely speak, think, or teach about, is the sin of omission. The sin of knowing the good we ought to do and not doing it (Js 4:17). This passive sin (neglecting to do good) grieves our God and Father just as much as when we actively doing evil. Examples of the sin of omission include: neglecting to daily seek the face and counsel of our God in all our ways (Prov 3:5-8) and neglecting to pray without ceasing for the needs of others as well as ourselves.

This particular sin of omission is fresh on my mind and heart, because I recently committed this sin in a most grievous way, before the LORD and to those around me.

As you know, I recently underwent my third heart surgery for my fifth arrhythmia (AFib). And while I was at the hospital, I neither prayed for those around me, nor did I consider if my Lord had any work for me there. As a matter of fact, none of these good deeds, ever occurred to me. Sadly, rather than have my eyes fixed on Jesus, I had them fixed on myself. I was more concerned about the care I was receiving, rather than on the cares of Jesus and those He came to save.

I thought I was only there to repair a malfunction in my physical heart. But our faithful and kind and compassionate Father revealed to me, that I had a major malfunction in my spiritual heart as well. My physical heart was beating chaotically because of AFib. This caused ischemia in my blood vessels, and slightly enlarged my heart. Likewise, the my spiritual heartbeat was chaotic rather than beating in the orderly and harmonious way of my Savior. Due to suffering from ingrown eyeballs, the lifeblood of Christ (His Holy Spirit), had less effect on my fatty soul while at the hospital (Ps 119:70a).

When I arrived home, I was grieved. So I prayed…and prayed…and prayed for several days—alone. With my grief growing, rather than dissipating, I humbled myself and asked my husband to pray for me regarding this matter. After several days had passed, my grief began to consume me, “Did I sin against my God by not sharing the Gospel at the Hospital, or did He close the doors for me to do so?” I was completely disconcerted not knowing if my grief was due to sin, or because Satan was trying to guilt me into stumbling. So I humbled myself again, and asked my pastor to pray for me also. Then, the very next day, as I was reading Psalm 91:1 (yes, I didn’t get very far) the LORD answered me.

My merciful Father showed me what He saw in my heart—spiritual complacency.

The Holy Spirit reminded me of what I’ve long learned from the Word of God, specifically Proverbs 3:27-28, Romans 12:1-3, Philippians, 2:3-4, and the denouement…James 4:17.

The greatest good, the most magnificent gift and treasure I always have with me, is the Lord Jesus Christ (2 Cor 4:6-12). And this, I neither remembered nor did it even enter my mind to offer this good gift to those around me (Prov. 3:27-28). Forgetting the former, caused me to seek God’s Word only for myself, and not for the good of others. Rather than be there with a renewed mind, I sinned by conforming to the futile ways of my flesh—caring more for myself than those around me. This sin begat more sin, and I disobeyed Philippians 2:3-4. I was selfish. I was not humble. I did not consider others more significant than myself, and in so doing, the view of myself became larger than my view of God.

This grief would’ve been beyond consolation if not for God’s first gift of grace, and our first act of submission and happy obedience to Him—repentance (Mk 1:15, Mt 3:8, Rom 2:4, Eph 2:1-10).

Though I sinned grievously against my Lord from the moment I arrived at the hospital to the time I left, my Father did not leave me in my sin. Because He chose me before the foundation of the world, and sent His one and only Son to be the propitiation and expiation for my putrid sins, I am free to practice the gift of repentance all the days of my life. I am free in Christ to live in His righteousness. I am free in Christ to confess my sins before the Lord Almighty and to those I’ve sinned against, as well as those I need to intercede for me (Jas 5:16). I am free in Christ to regain intimacy with my Lord when I repent (Jas 4:6-10); for a broken and contrite heart are the sacrifices that God does not despise (Ps 51:16-17).

May our God and Father use this article to bring comfort to you if you are grieved by your sin. And may He use it as a wholesome nourishment to your soul, that you may daily bear the fruit of repentance so that you may maintain a deeper intimacy with our Father, and greater resolve, to sin less.

For more encouragement on what godly sorrow is (2 Cor 7:9-10) and how to daily practice this grace from our Father, please listen to my pastor’s sermon. Be sure to have a note pad with you so that you may make note of the Scriptures he shares, as well as what the Holy Spirit is teaching you through this faithful slave of Christ.